"An otter!" He puts a hand under his chin and bats his eyelashes. "Am I not as cute as one?" Jaskier loves swimming, so her mental image isn't far off.
"Yes, please, let's do it one of these nights." He raises the wine bottle only to find it empty. He sighs. "I suppose this is a sign to pick up camp."
Jaskier stands up and helps Midge do the same, but he doesn't let go of her hands - he pulls her closer for a sweet kiss. "It WAS fun." He nods, smiling widely. "Glad you enjoyed it. Most people need to see all the kinds of beauty that hide around the corners."
As usual, Midge hates to part from Jaskier after such a night of passion, but she manages, and life goes on as usual. A few days later, Jaskier will receive a text.
I have a problem and I think I need your help. Well, technically Geralt’s, I guess.
Letting her go truly is very hard. Jaskier steals as many kisses as he can in the elevator and even while they change. They text throughout the week as usual, but as days pass, the deadline also gets closer, and Jaskier still doesn't know what he'll do about the damn wedding.
When Midge starts her next text with the word 'problem', he fears she'll bring the subject up. Reading the rest of the text sounds very ominous and for once, it makes him wish it'd been about the wedding after all.
Fuck, that can't be good. What happened? Are you alright?
I’m fine, but Joel thinks there might be some kind of creature in his father’s clothing factory. He’s tried the standard exterminators and traps, but we have reason to believe that it might be magical.
you're not meeting me anywhere you're staying at fucking home
You know he's worried when he's typing so informally.
we can't know if it's serious now but i don't want to risk anyone getting hurt without more information so yes evacaute something else you can tell me besides active at night?
sounds good - I know nothing about Witcher monsters
fuck miriam then text him as a heads up and stay where you are
That's all he says, because Yennefer is opening the portal now. Jaskier and Geralt are dropped in an alley so they don't get attention from the public, and have to walk a block to the factory.
When they find Miriam waiting by the door, they both curse.
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Jaskier cries out while Geralt grabs Midge by the arm and growls- "Leave."
She might have already been there when they first started texting. Midge doesn’t even have time to respond to Jaskier’s text, to process him using her full name, when he and Geralt are already approaching her.
There’s a group of workers standing outside looking confused over why they were told to evacuate the building. They look equally confused and alarmed when the huge man approaches Midge.
Jaskier is right. Geralt can be frightening. Midge is stunned into silence, which is broken by another voice.
“Hey! Get your hands off of her!”
A harried-looking man has just come out of the building and he’s glaring at Geralt. The witcher is twice Joel’s size, but he’d still fight him if he thought he was hurting Midge.
“What the hell is going on here?”
Midge holds up a placating hand. “Joel, I texted them about the creatures in the walls. They’re here to help.”
Jaskier can guess who this is at fucking sight. He wants to hate the guy, he really does, but he also can't blame him for protecting Midge from creepy men. Brave of him not to cower under Geralt's icy glare, honestly.
"Send your workers home," Geralt tells Joel with another growl, then he makes his way inside as he unsheathes his silver sword.
Jaskier sighs as he rushes to get between the door and the crowd with his hands up. See, this is why he has to come along. Can't depend on Geralt's communication skills.
"Worry not, my good people! The mighty witcher has come to save the day! And you should listen to him - everyone-" He glances at Midge. "-must go home. We don't want anyone to get hurt, now do we? Even if the creature goes down quickly, there will probably be lots of monster guts left to clean. There won't be any work done today."
Perhaps tomorrow either, depending on what it is, but better not mention that now. Don't want to make the crowd even more nervous.
It's hard to keep his face neutral - Jaskier doesn't want to give the workers any funny ideas. But man, he really does want to smirk really hard at the way Midge takes control of her ex. In another context, he'd find it hot.
When Joel says he's responsible for the building, Jaskier nods, willing to compromise. And he does need someone who knows the place just in case.
"I can respect that." And that's saying a lot, because he doesn't respect Joel in any other aspect. Jaskier rolls his eyes at Midge's response. "I seriously doubt you can handle yourself against--"
He opens the door just enough to peek inside. "Update?" he yells at Geralt.
The answer arrives quickly. "Harrisi nest in the walls. Looking for access."
Jaskier curses under his breath before turning to Midge again. "I seriously doubt you can handle yourself against huge, poisonous spiders. Those fuckers are--" Suddenly, his eyes widen. "Fuck. Fuck." He looks at Joel. "The place is full of fabrics. The spiders will need fire. Please tell me you have the sprinkly thingies installed."
"I'm the bloke who brought the solution to your fucking problem." Look at that, two men can't drop all pretenses at the same time.
"They shoot poison. Geralt will most likely rely on his sword to kill them, but if there are too many of them, he may use fire soon. And the nest will have to be burned to avoid getting more." He nods his thanks at her. "Please go home. I don't want you to get hurt--"
At that moment, they hear a small explosion and a wall crumbling. It's then followed by Geralt's grunts and lots of screeching.
"...I guess he had to create the access."
Jaskier opens the door to take another peek, only for a very big and disgusting creature to try to jump at him. As Jaskier squeals and steps back, Geralt uses his hand signs to send a flame that lights the spider on fire. It runs around the room as it yells in weird noises, activating the splinkers. Now Geralt is a very wet wolf, but at least his magic fire is strong enough to go through the water drops.
Since the water is already out, there's no point in holding back anymore. Geralt decides to start using his hand as a flamethrower, only slashing the spiders with his sword if they get too close to him. Soon, the floor is getting slippery with a mix of water and green goo. Small fires keep catching everywhere and the sprinklers do their best to keep them out. Some fabrics are definitely getting lost.
Jaskier isn't taking notes, which is a miracle in itself, but he does keep an eye on the whole situation. Eventually, he forgets he has company and takes just a few steps inside, always eager to admire Geralt in battle. Half a wall has gone down and Jaskier wrinkles his nose in disgust at the sight of all the cobwebs forming huge cocoon eggs in the dark.
"How appropriate of them, to knit their web in the clothing factory," he says sarcastically.
Handling herself or not, Midge screams when the spider jumps at them. She runs back in disgust, only to watch with mild horror as Geralt sets the thing on fire.
It’s an absolute shitshow inside the factory as Midge and Joel argue about the situation. Just how long has this been happening? Has he been ignoring it? Joel groans when one of the walls goes down.
“There’s no other way to do this?” he asks in exasperation.
“I guess not,” Midge tells him curtly. “You need to call Moishe.”
“I’m not calling Pop.”
Midge puts her hand up to the chaos in front of them. “You don’t think he’s going to find out about this?”
The argument really gets on Jaskier's nerves, and he can clearly see where the divorce came from. If he were a more violent man, he would've slapped Joel already.
"If you have any ideas on how to fight poisonous spiders from another world, I'm all ears." His tone is clearly sarcastic, but not even in a joking way - just irritated. "Of course, I can just ask Geralt to leave the cocoons alone. I'm sure your workers would love the decor."
When he turns to Midge, his look softens a little bit, but it's still not the usual adoration in his blue eyes. He's serious. "You're not calling anyone until Geralt is done. I don't even fucking know why you're still here!"
Suddenly, Geralt lets out a painful groan. He's slipped on the mix of goo and water, and a spider used the chance to surprise him from behind.
"GERALT!" Jaskier cries out, and without thinking, he rushes inside.
Thankfully, this spider is the last one, and it's only caught Geralt by surprise because he had thought he was done. Geralt cuts its legs off with his sword before setting it on fire, too. But now there's a poison needle on his shoulder.
Jaskier holds on to the factory machines to avoid slipping, not caring about the water on his hair and clothes or the monster guts on his shoes. He reaches Geralt just in time to catch him before he collapses and puts that very thick arm around his shoulder to keep him steady.
A quick look around reveals everything is covered in poison or the various gooey substances from the spiders' bodies. Jaskier sighs before yelling at the duo by the door- "Can I have a damn clean chair so he can rest?"
“Does that matter?” Midge replies. “Around the clubs.” It’s vague, but better than telling him that she met Jaskier in jail.
Jaskier’s words sting, even if she presumes he’s just trying to keep her safe. She’s not leaving. She called them in and honestly, she feels like she needs to play referee between them and Joel.
When Geralt gets hurt, she watches Jaskier run to his side. After a moment of hesitation, in which Midge wonders how she gets herself into these situations, she follows. While Joel reluctantly goes to get a chair from his office, Midge sloshes through the water and monster guts to where the two men are standing.
“How can I help?” she asks. “Should I call Yennefer?”
Around the clubs. Ha! Jaskier would've snorted if he had heard, but all his attention is on Geralt. Which is also why he doesn't answer her question by telling her to leave again.
"Don't touch anything with your bare hands," Geralt tells her, shaking his head when she mentions Yennefer.
Once Joel brings the chair, Jaskier drops Geralt on it and rushes to find remaining pieces of fabric from the cutting tables. Geralt takes a gold potion from his pouch and drinks it before looking at Midge and Joel.
"I have to burn the nest," He points at the hole in the wall with his chin. "And find the sleeping queen inside. Are there pipes or cables in that wall I should know about?" Not wanna risk another explosion. "Is it connected to the neighboring building?"
When Jaskier returns with the fabric, Geralt removes the needle from his shoulder and crushes it with his bare hand - apparently he is allowed to do that, but not humans. Green goo starts coming out of the wound and Jaskier immediately starts cleaning it by pouring another of Geralt's potions on the fabric. He's gentle yet firm, and it's clear he's done this hundreds of times before. The world has disappeared and his attention is only on that fucking wound.
"Mayhaps you'll have to burn this jacket. I don't want it to smell around the house."
It IS starting to smell pretty badly in here, and it's only about to get worse.
The potion is already working its magic, and Geralt speaks again after sighing in relief. "We'll also need containers for the toxic waste. Can't throw these fuckers in the normal trash."
He doesn't want stray animal to feed on it, humans to get hurt, or worse - use it for nasty experiments.
Midge puts her hands out when Jaskier tells her not to touch anything. Maybe she should have listened before wading into whatever fresh hell this is. Both she and Joel are so stunned by everything going on around them that neither of them answer for a moment. Midge doesn’t know anything about pipes, so she turns to her ex-husband.
“No,” he says. “It’s not connected, but there should be electrical lines and water pipes in there. Do you want me to shut off the electricity?”
At the mention of toxic waste, both Midge and Joel look horrified. “I’ll— We’ll wait outside,” she says. “After Joel cuts the power to the building.”
Midge exits and sits down on an empty crate in the alley. She manages to get her shoes off without touching them, leaving them in a pile far away from her. They’re a total write off. Thank goodness they weren’t her favorite.
Joel joins her a few minutes later, his sleeves rolled up, tie loosened and collar open. He blows out a sigh and wipes his face. “Fuck me, Pop is going to have a conniption.” He pulls a pack of cigarettes and a lighter out of his pocket.
“Give me one of those,” Midge says.
“I thought you were cutting back.”
“I am, but…” She gestures vaguely around them. This shit show calls for a cigarette. Plus, she’s worried about Jaskier and Geralt.
Joel lights two cigarettes and hands one of them to her.
Without humans meddling, they can work much faster, used to their routine after years of co-existing in each other's personal spaces. Once Jaskier has bandaged the wound, Geralt enters the nest, ready to end it all. Then the bard gathers boxes and buckets to throw all the bodies, which are sent to their house through a portal that Yennefer opens in the middle of the room.
Usually she doesn't get involved in hunts, but all the toxic shit IS pretty dangerous. Besides, it could be useful for her experiments. So she uses magic to gather every strange liquid in the room -from poison to crushed brains- and bottles it for personal use. The room is still a fucking mess that needs cleaning, but at least, it's a normal mess that humans can handle later.
It takes Jaskier a little over an hour to show up in the alley. He's wet from head to toes, he has taken off his jacket and his sleeves are rolled up, which means his shirt is sticking to his skin. He smells like absolute shit, and even his shoes are making squeaky noises as he walks. And yet, no matter how disgusting he currently is, he wrinkles his nose when he finds Joel and Midge smoking. Priorities.
Jaskier rests his body against the wall, keeping a bit of distance. He lets out a very tired sigh and watches the failed marriage for a second, taking them in before finally speaking up.
"The nest and the spiders are gone. Nothing dangerous of the magical variety is left. The pipes are fine, but some cables were broken on the struggle. So don't bring back the power unless you want a different kind of danger."
Midge breathes a sigh of relief when she sees Jaskier emerge from the building, exhausted, smelly, but unharmed.
“Is Geralt okay?” She asks. “Are you okay?”
Stinky though he may be, Midge does happen to notice how the wet shirt clings to his chest. If the stench wasn’t a deterrent (and Joel wasn’t here) she might be cuddling up to him.
“Thanks,” Joel says. “We didn’t get to meet officially. I’m Joel Maisel, Midge’s ex-husband.” He holds out a hand to Jaskier, despite the smell.
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"Yes, please, let's do it one of these nights." He raises the wine bottle only to find it empty. He sighs. "I suppose this is a sign to pick up camp."
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Midge echoes his sigh. “I guess so.” It’s almost fully light out now. “This was fun. Thanks for bringing me up here.”
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I have a problem and I think I need your help. Well, technically Geralt’s, I guess.
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When Midge starts her next text with the word 'problem', he fears she'll bring the subject up. Reading the rest of the text sounds very ominous and for once, it makes him wish it'd been about the wedding after all.
Fuck, that can't be good. What happened? Are you alright?
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Give him a second while he yells at Geralt to get ready.
address now
we'll be there in five
evacuate immediately
don't you fucking dare to go
anyone got hurt?
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Do you think it’s really that serious? Nobody’s hurt. We don’t even know what it is yet. It seems more active at night anyway.
I’ll text Joel and let him know that you two are coming and then I’ll meet you there.
Do they really need to evacuate the factory?
[ Moishe’s going to be pissed. ]
how about a nest of Harrisi (huge poisonous spiders) hiding in the walls
You know he's worried when he's typing so informally.
we can't know if it's serious now but i don't want to risk anyone getting hurt without more information
so yes evacaute
something else you can tell me besides active at night?
sounds good - I know nothing about Witcher monsters
I’ll tell Joel to evacuate the factory. His father will be pissed about losing a day of production.
Joel said he hears scurrying in the walls at night. I’m sure he can give you more details.
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then text him as a heads up and stay where you are
That's all he says, because Yennefer is opening the portal now. Jaskier and Geralt are dropped in an alley so they don't get attention from the public, and have to walk a block to the factory.
When they find Miriam waiting by the door, they both curse.
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Jaskier cries out while Geralt grabs Midge by the arm and growls- "Leave."
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There’s a group of workers standing outside looking confused over why they were told to evacuate the building. They look equally confused and alarmed when the huge man approaches Midge.
Jaskier is right. Geralt can be frightening. Midge is stunned into silence, which is broken by another voice.
“Hey! Get your hands off of her!”
A harried-looking man has just come out of the building and he’s glaring at Geralt. The witcher is twice Joel’s size, but he’d still fight him if he thought he was hurting Midge.
“What the hell is going on here?”
Midge holds up a placating hand. “Joel, I texted them about the creatures in the walls. They’re here to help.”
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"Send your workers home," Geralt tells Joel with another growl, then he makes his way inside as he unsheathes his silver sword.
Jaskier sighs as he rushes to get between the door and the crowd with his hands up. See, this is why he has to come along. Can't depend on Geralt's communication skills.
"Worry not, my good people! The mighty witcher has come to save the day! And you should listen to him - everyone-" He glances at Midge. "-must go home. We don't want anyone to get hurt, now do we? Even if the creature goes down quickly, there will probably be lots of monster guts left to clean. There won't be any work done today."
Perhaps tomorrow either, depending on what it is, but better not mention that now. Don't want to make the crowd even more nervous.
I love this already
The workers all start to murmur amongst themselves, some looking fearful now.
“Joel, send them home,” Midge says.
“Midge…”
“Do it.”
With a deep sigh, Joel speaks again. “You all need to go home. Your shifts are done for today, but you’ll still get paid for your full hours.”
Midge can tell this is killing him. Moishe’s going to go nuclear at the idea of paying the workers to not work.
“I’m not leaving,” Joel tells Jaskier as the crowd starts to disperse. “I’m responsible for what happens in this building.”
Both of the men look at Midge, who resolutely crosses her arms. “Absolutely not. I can handle myself.”
I've been giggling since the texting started
When Joel says he's responsible for the building, Jaskier nods, willing to compromise. And he does need someone who knows the place just in case.
"I can respect that." And that's saying a lot, because he doesn't respect Joel in any other aspect. Jaskier rolls his eyes at Midge's response. "I seriously doubt you can handle yourself against--"
He opens the door just enough to peek inside. "Update?" he yells at Geralt.
The answer arrives quickly. "Harrisi nest in the walls. Looking for access."
Jaskier curses under his breath before turning to Midge again. "I seriously doubt you can handle yourself against huge, poisonous spiders. Those fuckers are--" Suddenly, his eyes widen. "Fuck. Fuck." He looks at Joel. "The place is full of fabrics. The spiders will need fire. Please tell me you have the sprinkly thingies installed."
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“This is Jaskier,” Midge says. “And that’s Geralt. He’s a witcher, which means that he fights monsters for a living.”
She does indeed wrinkle her nose at the idea of huge spiders. Not a fan, but she’s also not making any motions to leave.
“Are you saying that they shoot fire or that he’s going to have to use fire to kill them?” Joel asks.
“The building has sprinklers,” Midge confirms.
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"They shoot poison. Geralt will most likely rely on his sword to kill them, but if there are too many of them, he may use fire soon. And the nest will have to be burned to avoid getting more." He nods his thanks at her. "Please go home. I don't want you to get hurt--"
At that moment, they hear a small explosion and a wall crumbling. It's then followed by Geralt's grunts and lots of screeching.
"...I guess he had to create the access."
Jaskier opens the door to take another peek, only for a very big and disgusting creature to try to jump at him. As Jaskier squeals and steps back, Geralt uses his hand signs to send a flame that lights the spider on fire. It runs around the room as it yells in weird noises, activating the splinkers. Now Geralt is a very wet wolf, but at least his magic fire is strong enough to go through the water drops.
Since the water is already out, there's no point in holding back anymore. Geralt decides to start using his hand as a flamethrower, only slashing the spiders with his sword if they get too close to him. Soon, the floor is getting slippery with a mix of water and green goo. Small fires keep catching everywhere and the sprinklers do their best to keep them out. Some fabrics are definitely getting lost.
Jaskier isn't taking notes, which is a miracle in itself, but he does keep an eye on the whole situation. Eventually, he forgets he has company and takes just a few steps inside, always eager to admire Geralt in battle. Half a wall has gone down and Jaskier wrinkles his nose in disgust at the sight of all the cobwebs forming huge cocoon eggs in the dark.
"How appropriate of them, to knit their web in the clothing factory," he says sarcastically.
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It’s an absolute shitshow inside the factory as Midge and Joel argue about the situation. Just how long has this been happening? Has he been ignoring it? Joel groans when one of the walls goes down.
“There’s no other way to do this?” he asks in exasperation.
“I guess not,” Midge tells him curtly. “You need to call Moishe.”
“I’m not calling Pop.”
Midge puts her hand up to the chaos in front of them. “You don’t think he’s going to find out about this?”
“Just let me handle this, okay?”
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"If you have any ideas on how to fight poisonous spiders from another world, I'm all ears." His tone is clearly sarcastic, but not even in a joking way - just irritated. "Of course, I can just ask Geralt to leave the cocoons alone. I'm sure your workers would love the decor."
When he turns to Midge, his look softens a little bit, but it's still not the usual adoration in his blue eyes. He's serious. "You're not calling anyone until Geralt is done. I don't even fucking know why you're still here!"
Suddenly, Geralt lets out a painful groan. He's slipped on the mix of goo and water, and a spider used the chance to surprise him from behind.
"GERALT!" Jaskier cries out, and without thinking, he rushes inside.
Thankfully, this spider is the last one, and it's only caught Geralt by surprise because he had thought he was done. Geralt cuts its legs off with his sword before setting it on fire, too. But now there's a poison needle on his shoulder.
Jaskier holds on to the factory machines to avoid slipping, not caring about the water on his hair and clothes or the monster guts on his shoes. He reaches Geralt just in time to catch him before he collapses and puts that very thick arm around his shoulder to keep him steady.
A quick look around reveals everything is covered in poison or the various gooey substances from the spiders' bodies. Jaskier sighs before yelling at the duo by the door- "Can I have a damn clean chair so he can rest?"
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“Does that matter?” Midge replies. “Around the clubs.” It’s vague, but better than telling him that she met Jaskier in jail.
Jaskier’s words sting, even if she presumes he’s just trying to keep her safe. She’s not leaving. She called them in and honestly, she feels like she needs to play referee between them and Joel.
When Geralt gets hurt, she watches Jaskier run to his side. After a moment of hesitation, in which Midge wonders how she gets herself into these situations, she follows. While Joel reluctantly goes to get a chair from his office, Midge sloshes through the water and monster guts to where the two men are standing.
“How can I help?” she asks. “Should I call Yennefer?”
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"Don't touch anything with your bare hands," Geralt tells her, shaking his head when she mentions Yennefer.
Once Joel brings the chair, Jaskier drops Geralt on it and rushes to find remaining pieces of fabric from the cutting tables. Geralt takes a gold potion from his pouch and drinks it before looking at Midge and Joel.
"I have to burn the nest," He points at the hole in the wall with his chin. "And find the sleeping queen inside. Are there pipes or cables in that wall I should know about?" Not wanna risk another explosion. "Is it connected to the neighboring building?"
When Jaskier returns with the fabric, Geralt removes the needle from his shoulder and crushes it with his bare hand - apparently he is allowed to do that, but not humans. Green goo starts coming out of the wound and Jaskier immediately starts cleaning it by pouring another of Geralt's potions on the fabric. He's gentle yet firm, and it's clear he's done this hundreds of times before. The world has disappeared and his attention is only on that fucking wound.
"Mayhaps you'll have to burn this jacket. I don't want it to smell around the house."
It IS starting to smell pretty badly in here, and it's only about to get worse.
The potion is already working its magic, and Geralt speaks again after sighing in relief. "We'll also need containers for the toxic waste. Can't throw these fuckers in the normal trash."
He doesn't want stray animal to feed on it, humans to get hurt, or worse - use it for nasty experiments.
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“No,” he says. “It’s not connected, but there should be electrical lines and water pipes in there. Do you want me to shut off the electricity?”
At the mention of toxic waste, both Midge and Joel look horrified. “I’ll— We’ll wait outside,” she says. “After Joel cuts the power to the building.”
Midge exits and sits down on an empty crate in the alley. She manages to get her shoes off without touching them, leaving them in a pile far away from her. They’re a total write off. Thank goodness they weren’t her favorite.
Joel joins her a few minutes later, his sleeves rolled up, tie loosened and collar open. He blows out a sigh and wipes his face. “Fuck me, Pop is going to have a conniption.” He pulls a pack of cigarettes and a lighter out of his pocket.
“Give me one of those,” Midge says.
“I thought you were cutting back.”
“I am, but…” She gestures vaguely around them. This shit show calls for a cigarette. Plus, she’s worried about Jaskier and Geralt.
Joel lights two cigarettes and hands one of them to her.
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Usually she doesn't get involved in hunts, but all the toxic shit IS pretty dangerous. Besides, it could be useful for her experiments. So she uses magic to gather every strange liquid in the room -from poison to crushed brains- and bottles it for personal use. The room is still a fucking mess that needs cleaning, but at least, it's a normal mess that humans can handle later.
It takes Jaskier a little over an hour to show up in the alley. He's wet from head to toes, he has taken off his jacket and his sleeves are rolled up, which means his shirt is sticking to his skin. He smells like absolute shit, and even his shoes are making squeaky noises as he walks. And yet, no matter how disgusting he currently is, he wrinkles his nose when he finds Joel and Midge smoking. Priorities.
Jaskier rests his body against the wall, keeping a bit of distance. He lets out a very tired sigh and watches the failed marriage for a second, taking them in before finally speaking up.
"The nest and the spiders are gone. Nothing dangerous of the magical variety is left. The pipes are fine, but some cables were broken on the struggle. So don't bring back the power unless you want a different kind of danger."
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“Is Geralt okay?” She asks. “Are you okay?”
Stinky though he may be, Midge does happen to notice how the wet shirt clings to his chest. If the stench wasn’t a deterrent (and Joel wasn’t here) she might be cuddling up to him.
“Thanks,” Joel says. “We didn’t get to meet officially. I’m Joel Maisel, Midge’s ex-husband.” He holds out a hand to Jaskier, despite the smell.