There is none of the usual dramatics when he gasps this time. Should he even be surprised? Isn't this why he wanted to have the conversation? Isn't this what he's been suspecting? What has been sketched in the pages of that artist's notebook? The signs have always been there.
His heart constricts again and for a moment, he can't breathe. He should be happy that she feels like he does, but his body is frozen. It's not a romantic moment - it doesn't feel like the lovers coming together at the final act of that romantic comedy. It feels like the end of a drama. It feels like the beginning of the end.
His shoulders drop, so do his hands - they keep shaking, but there's no gesturing. Just... defeat.
"...no." He finally manages to answer with a weak, pathetic voice. "I never said that." This is the worst way to confess his feelings; it goes against everything he is. "But I have the feeling that's not all you're asking."
Boy, some love confession this is. It’s disappointing, as is Jaskier’s later response. Midge knew she was taking a risk by telling him that she was developing feelings for him.
She stands up and goes to him. In public probably isn’t the greatest place for this conversation, but it’s too late for that.
“You’re saying that you’re falling in love with me too, I think, so yes, of course I want more than sex with you. Why is that so bad, Jaskier? Don’t we make each other happy, even outside the bedroom?”
Luckily, they're the only ones left in the bar. Perdita enters the main area to check on them, but as soon as she sees their faces, she disappears and gives them their privacy.
She comes to him, and he steps back, only one thing echoing in his brain: told you so in the voice of a certain witcher. His hands continue to open and close as he fights the urge to reach out for her. He doesn't want to lose her - at least, not like this. He was supposed to watch her find the love of her life slowly and be genuinely happy for her.
This isn't him singing at her wedding; this is her organizing his funeral.
"You do make me happy, and for me, that's enough. I like my freedom. I like waking up in the morning and choosing to leave for a week with Geralt to follow trails of wyvern crap on the mountains without having to explain myself to anyone."
His voice is starting to rise, frustration and heartbreak forming a hurricane of emotions in his chest that has been enhanced by the conversation with Lenny.
"I make you happy for now. Because I'm the new and exciting bloke bored housewives have fun with. But I'm not a husband, I'm not the estimable man that good girls take home to their parents." He raises a hand, as if anticipating what she may say. "And don't you fucking dare say we already did that, because we both know how that ended. I can behave for survival, I did it for years in court-- but I refuse to 'behave'-" He signs the quotation marks. "-in my fucking private life! What exactly do you think would happen if you took the real me to one of your religious holiday dinners?"
She’s about to say that she doesn’t mind if he travels with Geralt to hunt monsters. He won’t have to explain it to her. But then he keeps going and his words hit her like a ton of bricks.
“Is that why you think I’m with you, because I’m a bored housewife? Jaskier, it didn’t go well with my parents because they could tell we were lying. They knew we were more than just friends. You hardly even gave them a chance. The first sign of them disagreeing with you about something and you went off.
This isn’t about my parents though. It’s about us. I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m just asking to be enough for you.”
Why does it feel like she’s never enough for anyone?
"No, I don't think it's the only reason why you're with me. But I do think it's given you a rose-colored opinion of me." He huffs. "I don't like your parents, Midge. Is that what you wanted me to tell you? There you go. Before I even met them, I was already annoyed by the mere idea of them because of how they fucking treat you."
He starts pacing as he runs his hands through his hair and drags them down his face, smearing the makeup. It matches his heartbroken face and the way his stomach keeps turning. Gosh, he better not throw up in the middle of this.
"You already are enough!" He exclaims as he opens his arms. "You're the one asking for more!"
This isn’t supposed to be about her parents, but she can’t help but ask anyway: “What do you mean how they treat me?” she asks. “They don’t treat me badly.”
Midge watches him looking distraught, and she can’t help but wonder why he seems to be fighting himself on this. Is it because he thinks he’s about to lose the sex?
“I’m asking you to only be with me.” Midge says, blinking away the tears that are forming in her eyes. “And the fact that you don’t want to can only mean that I’m not enough for you. Even if you’re falling in love with me too, it still isn’t enough for some reason.”
"They didn't even notice you disappeared overnight."
Jaskier wants to add more, but then he turns around and sees her crying. He deflates and hates himself, which isn't fair, because he warned her about this, over and over and over... and yet, here he is, being the bad guy. Just like everyone predicted. Joel will probably gloat, the bastard.
"I already told you the reason many a time. I warned you before either of us developed any feelings. Hell, I'll eat my sheet music if Geralt hasn't warned you too! How could it be you when I explained everything the day we fucking met?" He drags his hands down his face again. He wishes he could rip his heart out of his chest and put it in her hands just to prove his words - and mayhaps because it would hurt less. "It's not you - you're an amazing woman who deserves a man that will meet your every need. That will make you and your kids truly happy. I am not that man, Midge."
They don’t keep tabs on her 24/7. She’s a grown woman. But she’s not going to argue with him about her parents right now.
“Things change, Jaskier. I didn’t expect to fall in love with you, and I’m sure you didn’t expect it either.” Midge shakes her head, wiping tears from her cheeks. “You don’t want to be that man, and that’s fine. I shouldn’t have expected that you would change for me. That was my mistake.”
Turning back to the couch, Midge shoves the drawing into her notebook, then picks it up along with her purse.
“I guess this is goodbye, then,” she says between sobs, “because I can’t do this anymore if I have to keep lying to everyone about how I feel about you.”
"I TRIED to be that man in the past!" he snaps. He feels so fucking bad for making her cry, but he also feels bad for feeling bad - this isn't his fault. Why is he the bad guy here? "It does NOT work. I'm pretty fucking sure I shared that too." Another huff. "I thought you liked me for who I am. Yet all this time, you've been expecting me to change?" He shakes his head. "See, this is exactly what I'm talking about."
Tears appear in his eyes, too. Seeing her pick up her things makes it all more real - it's the final nail in the coffin. Jaskier swallows a sob.
"I'm guessing being literal friends wouldn't be enough either?" Because he would be fine with that. He can have sex somewhere else, her company is special. He hangs his head. "Goodbye, Miriam."
“I do like you for who you are. I love everything about you. Anyone can see that; I couldn’t hide it if I tried. I thought maybe I was special enough for you to try being in a relationship again.”
She feels like she misread everything from him, and that makes her feel like a fool. Her heart feels like it’s literally breaking in her chest.
“I-I don’t know,” she says, still crying. “I need some time. Goodbye, Jaskier.”
Midge brushes past him to exit the club. The only sounds in the room are her gentle sobs and the clicking of her heels on the floor.
Perdita watches as Midge leaves, then sticks her head in the door to yell at Jaskier. “Go after her, you idiot!”
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
His heart constricts again and for a moment, he can't breathe. He should be happy that she feels like he does, but his body is frozen. It's not a romantic moment - it doesn't feel like the lovers coming together at the final act of that romantic comedy. It feels like the end of a drama. It feels like the beginning of the end.
His shoulders drop, so do his hands - they keep shaking, but there's no gesturing. Just... defeat.
"...no." He finally manages to answer with a weak, pathetic voice. "I never said that." This is the worst way to confess his feelings; it goes against everything he is. "But I have the feeling that's not all you're asking."
no subject
She stands up and goes to him. In public probably isn’t the greatest place for this conversation, but it’s too late for that.
“You’re saying that you’re falling in love with me too, I think, so yes, of course I want more than sex with you. Why is that so bad, Jaskier? Don’t we make each other happy, even outside the bedroom?”
no subject
She comes to him, and he steps back, only one thing echoing in his brain: told you so in the voice of a certain witcher. His hands continue to open and close as he fights the urge to reach out for her. He doesn't want to lose her - at least, not like this. He was supposed to watch her find the love of her life slowly and be genuinely happy for her.
This isn't him singing at her wedding; this is her organizing his funeral.
"You do make me happy, and for me, that's enough. I like my freedom. I like waking up in the morning and choosing to leave for a week with Geralt to follow trails of wyvern crap on the mountains without having to explain myself to anyone."
His voice is starting to rise, frustration and heartbreak forming a hurricane of emotions in his chest that has been enhanced by the conversation with Lenny.
"I make you happy for now. Because I'm the new and exciting bloke bored housewives have fun with. But I'm not a husband, I'm not the estimable man that good girls take home to their parents." He raises a hand, as if anticipating what she may say. "And don't you fucking dare say we already did that, because we both know how that ended. I can behave for survival, I did it for years in court-- but I refuse to 'behave'-" He signs the quotation marks. "-in my fucking private life! What exactly do you think would happen if you took the real me to one of your religious holiday dinners?"
no subject
“Is that why you think I’m with you, because I’m a bored housewife? Jaskier, it didn’t go well with my parents because they could tell we were lying. They knew we were more than just friends. You hardly even gave them a chance. The first sign of them disagreeing with you about something and you went off.
This isn’t about my parents though. It’s about us. I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m just asking to be enough for you.”
Why does it feel like she’s never enough for anyone?
no subject
He starts pacing as he runs his hands through his hair and drags them down his face, smearing the makeup. It matches his heartbroken face and the way his stomach keeps turning. Gosh, he better not throw up in the middle of this.
"You already are enough!" He exclaims as he opens his arms. "You're the one asking for more!"
no subject
Midge watches him looking distraught, and she can’t help but wonder why he seems to be fighting himself on this. Is it because he thinks he’s about to lose the sex?
“I’m asking you to only be with me.” Midge says, blinking away the tears that are forming in her eyes. “And the fact that you don’t want to can only mean that I’m not enough for you. Even if you’re falling in love with me too, it still isn’t enough for some reason.”
no subject
Jaskier wants to add more, but then he turns around and sees her crying. He deflates and hates himself, which isn't fair, because he warned her about this, over and over and over... and yet, here he is, being the bad guy. Just like everyone predicted. Joel will probably gloat, the bastard.
"I already told you the reason many a time. I warned you before either of us developed any feelings. Hell, I'll eat my sheet music if Geralt hasn't warned you too! How could it be you when I explained everything the day we fucking met?" He drags his hands down his face again. He wishes he could rip his heart out of his chest and put it in her hands just to prove his words - and mayhaps because it would hurt less. "It's not you - you're an amazing woman who deserves a man that will meet your every need. That will make you and your kids truly happy. I am not that man, Midge."
no subject
“Things change, Jaskier. I didn’t expect to fall in love with you, and I’m sure you didn’t expect it either.” Midge shakes her head, wiping tears from her cheeks. “You don’t want to be that man, and that’s fine. I shouldn’t have expected that you would change for me. That was my mistake.”
Turning back to the couch, Midge shoves the drawing into her notebook, then picks it up along with her purse.
“I guess this is goodbye, then,” she says between sobs, “because I can’t do this anymore if I have to keep lying to everyone about how I feel about you.”
no subject
"I TRIED to be that man in the past!" he snaps. He feels so fucking bad for making her cry, but he also feels bad for feeling bad - this isn't his fault. Why is he the bad guy here? "It does NOT work. I'm pretty fucking sure I shared that too." Another huff. "I thought you liked me for who I am. Yet all this time, you've been expecting me to change?" He shakes his head. "See, this is exactly what I'm talking about."
Tears appear in his eyes, too. Seeing her pick up her things makes it all more real - it's the final nail in the coffin. Jaskier swallows a sob.
"I'm guessing being literal friends wouldn't be enough either?" Because he would be fine with that. He can have sex somewhere else, her company is special. He hangs his head. "Goodbye, Miriam."
no subject
She feels like she misread everything from him, and that makes her feel like a fool. Her heart feels like it’s literally breaking in her chest.
“I-I don’t know,” she says, still crying. “I need some time. Goodbye, Jaskier.”
Midge brushes past him to exit the club. The only sounds in the room are her gentle sobs and the clicking of her heels on the floor.
Perdita watches as Midge leaves, then sticks her head in the door to yell at Jaskier. “Go after her, you idiot!”