This isn’t supposed to be about her parents, but she can’t help but ask anyway: “What do you mean how they treat me?” she asks. “They don’t treat me badly.”
Midge watches him looking distraught, and she can’t help but wonder why he seems to be fighting himself on this. Is it because he thinks he’s about to lose the sex?
“I’m asking you to only be with me.” Midge says, blinking away the tears that are forming in her eyes. “And the fact that you don’t want to can only mean that I’m not enough for you. Even if you’re falling in love with me too, it still isn’t enough for some reason.”
"They didn't even notice you disappeared overnight."
Jaskier wants to add more, but then he turns around and sees her crying. He deflates and hates himself, which isn't fair, because he warned her about this, over and over and over... and yet, here he is, being the bad guy. Just like everyone predicted. Joel will probably gloat, the bastard.
"I already told you the reason many a time. I warned you before either of us developed any feelings. Hell, I'll eat my sheet music if Geralt hasn't warned you too! How could it be you when I explained everything the day we fucking met?" He drags his hands down his face again. He wishes he could rip his heart out of his chest and put it in her hands just to prove his words - and mayhaps because it would hurt less. "It's not you - you're an amazing woman who deserves a man that will meet your every need. That will make you and your kids truly happy. I am not that man, Midge."
They don’t keep tabs on her 24/7. She’s a grown woman. But she’s not going to argue with him about her parents right now.
“Things change, Jaskier. I didn’t expect to fall in love with you, and I’m sure you didn’t expect it either.” Midge shakes her head, wiping tears from her cheeks. “You don’t want to be that man, and that’s fine. I shouldn’t have expected that you would change for me. That was my mistake.”
Turning back to the couch, Midge shoves the drawing into her notebook, then picks it up along with her purse.
“I guess this is goodbye, then,” she says between sobs, “because I can’t do this anymore if I have to keep lying to everyone about how I feel about you.”
"I TRIED to be that man in the past!" he snaps. He feels so fucking bad for making her cry, but he also feels bad for feeling bad - this isn't his fault. Why is he the bad guy here? "It does NOT work. I'm pretty fucking sure I shared that too." Another huff. "I thought you liked me for who I am. Yet all this time, you've been expecting me to change?" He shakes his head. "See, this is exactly what I'm talking about."
Tears appear in his eyes, too. Seeing her pick up her things makes it all more real - it's the final nail in the coffin. Jaskier swallows a sob.
"I'm guessing being literal friends wouldn't be enough either?" Because he would be fine with that. He can have sex somewhere else, her company is special. He hangs his head. "Goodbye, Miriam."
“I do like you for who you are. I love everything about you. Anyone can see that; I couldn’t hide it if I tried. I thought maybe I was special enough for you to try being in a relationship again.”
She feels like she misread everything from him, and that makes her feel like a fool. Her heart feels like it’s literally breaking in her chest.
“I-I don’t know,” she says, still crying. “I need some time. Goodbye, Jaskier.”
Midge brushes past him to exit the club. The only sounds in the room are her gentle sobs and the clicking of her heels on the floor.
Perdita watches as Midge leaves, then sticks her head in the door to yell at Jaskier. “Go after her, you idiot!”
Suddenly, he's forty again, and he's being abandoned on top of a mountain. Never before in his life had someone broken his heart like Geralt did that day, not even the Countess. Now it's happening again - a heart shattered in tiny pieces, his legs frozen and unable to go home because he doesn't know what home is anymore. The same song plays...
I’m weak, my love, and I am wanting
Jaskier collapses on the couch and cries his heart out. He doesn't even register Perdita's voice, not that he would've followed her command if he had. Moments later, a thick pale hand is petting his head. Perdita must've called him.
"Don't you dare fucking say it."
"Mmh."
He asks Geralt to drive him around the city for a few hours, even if it's late. He claims he needs the distraction and the fresh air, which isn't a completely bad idea, but mostly he wants an excuse to hold his best friend for a while.
The family works together to hide all the alcohol in the house. Bastards.
It's a good thing that he's been so busy lately, because he needs those things to keep him distracted. Ironically, one of those things is the rehearsal for the wedding. Jaskier doesn't cancel it - he needs such a gig, and he won't take this away from the band. Heartbreak makes the ballads sound better anyway.
A different man fucks him every night, because he knows that he'll need some time before he'll be able to pick up a woman without thinking about her. And being pounded into oblivion is part of the not thinking process - or it should be, anyway. It's not the same. There's no spark. He wants his lovely, witty spark back.
If orgasms won't silence his brain, then he'll get the alcohol (and the mushrooms) himself. That's how, on Tuesday evening, Geralt will be carrying an unconscious Jaskier on his back out of a bar. He's done this many times before and knows how to fit the bard perfectly between his shoulder blades.
Her parents can tell that something is wrong, and she can only put them off for so long. Sometimes, she really wishes that she lived alone. After crying all night in her room, Midge confesses to them that she and Jaskier had a fight. How else can she explain it? She can’t say that they broke up if they were never together. More and more, she’s starting to think that what they had meant nothing to him, that his words of affection and looks of love were lies.
She’s numb, and sad, and bitter.
Midge goes through the motions of her week, running errands and taking care of her kids. She lets herself get sloshed on wine. On Tuesday, she has a gig and she really lets everything out. All of her frustrations with men. Some of the men in the audience actually look a bit uncomfortable and Midge figures that means what she’s saying is hitting home. Good.
Nobody buys her a drink afterwards. Not that she can even think about sleeping with another man right now. She’s still too heartbroken.
Outside the club, Midge is waiting for a cab when she notices a familiar motorcycle parked by the curb. She turns at the sound of heavy footsteps.
“Geralt…” Jaskier’s head is flopped on his shoulder, passed out. Her brow furrows in concern. “Is he okay?”
Geralt stops walking when he sees her, and he doesn't know what to expect. Jaskier's lovers have put him in dumb situations before, but this is different. He's not exactly the best choice when it comes to comforting people.
"Passed out drunk," he explains. He doesn't want to answer yes or no, since that's kind of relative. Healthy? Sure. Emotionally? Not so much. But he doesn't want to get caught in the middle of their argument.
He's still Geralt, though. So when he starts walking again and brushes past her, he just--
That’s not really what she wants to hear right now, from him or from anyone. Midge feels a stab of anger.
“All he wanted me for was sex anyway,” she says bitterly. “He’s free to go fuck everyone in the world now if he wants to.”
Tears roll down her cheeks and she wipes them away. Midge guesses that Jaskier’s dealing with the loss of their relationship badly, as evidenced by the state of him. A little voice in the back of her head wonders if she has reason to hope, but a louder one says she’s just fooling herself.
Jaskier is an idiot, a cad, a slut, a dramatic hedonist. Geralt is the first one to call him all those things, the first one to just sigh when others complain about the bard, because they're right. He's also one of the most important people in his life, and Geralt learned the hard way what happens what you take him for granted. Jaskier has trouble being taken seriously, yet Midge learned his birth name. So much for that, huh?
"We brought you to our home," he growls at her. The only woman Jaskier brought home, the only one who heard his story. "I thought you were smart. I was wrong."
“I thought he cared about me,” she says, looking at Jaskier’s passed out form. Midge has never seen him get that drunk. Is it possible that he’s struggling as much as she is?
Nobody knows Jaskier as well as Geralt does.
“He said he loved me too,” Midge admits. “Or, at least, he didn’t deny it. Why is he so scared to only be with me?”
“I do see him for more than that,” Midge says, getting annoyed now. “I love him. If it was just about sex we wouldn’t have spent as much time together not having sex as we did.”
She sighs, knowing what Geralt is saying is right. Jaskier warned her.
“I can’t sleep with him anymore then. He doesn’t want emotions and I’m emotionally involved now.” Midge hangs her head. It’s killing her, but she can’t be what he wants. She can’t keep it casual anymore.
Geralt smirks. "So you do know he didn't only want you for sex." Which is, you know, what she just said, and why it had annoyed him. Good to know she isn't fully blind at least.
(But even if it had only been about sex, well, Jaskier always warns his lovers. Geralt saw him learn that lesson when he was still a young brat. People are stupid for not listening to him.)
"Did he say he doesn't want emotions?" Geralt asks, clearly skeptical. "You still don't understand him. How he separates love, sex, and commitment. And that's fine - call him an idiot if you will, and I'll agree. But don't doubt his love. I'm not carrying him because he's tired."
“I don’t know how he does that,” Midge says. So, no, she doesn’t quite understand that bit. “He’s an idiot. I guess I am too.”
Midge takes a ragged breath as her taxi pulls up to the curb.
“I hope he feels better.”
She’s not quite sure what else to say. Perhaps she and Jaskier need to have a conversation when he’s conscious again. Before getting into the cab, she turns back to Geralt.
“Tell him… he can text me. If he wants to. When he’s ready.”
"Yes, you both are." Listen, he just calls it as he sees it. He snorts at her hopes for his feeling better. "I told him to break it up before it came to this several times. He didn't listen. He'll have the headache he deserves." When Midge mentions texting, Geralt just nods and leaves as well.
At home, he wakes Jaskier up long enough merely for Yen to check on him, then he lets him sleep. Only fair. But when Jaskier wakes up for good, Geralt shares every single bit of the conversation, not caring about the stupid hangover headache just like he promised.
Jaskier is pretty annoyed by hearing that Midge accused him of only wanting sex, which he's pretty sure is what makes him throw up faster. It does sound like she took it back, thought? Maybe? He doesn't know what to think.
But as days pass without any amounts of alcohol or fucking being enough to silence his heart, he knows what he must do. He's just terrified of it.
He stares at his device as if it was a monster waiting to eat him.
Midge struggles on miserably as the week goes by. Maybe Jaskier won’t text her. Maybe he’s decided that she’s not worth his time anymore.
(Yes, she could text him, but she also doesn’t want to push it. Midge feels like she’s in high school again, dealing with this breakup. She doesn’t know how to handle it.)
Seeing his name come through on her device makes her heart leap, although dread quickly follows. For once in her life, she doesn’t know what to say.
Yes.
Are you okay?
Do you want to talk? We should talk. I want to talk to you.
Just… putting every scenario out there, she guesses.
There’s a pause as she debates if she ought to send this last message. Fortunately, it’s easier to ‘say’ over text than it would be to his face.
There’s a diner that I go to sometimes. I’ll send you the address.
Midge is nervous and excited to meet him. She’s cautiously optimistic. Even if he says he misses her, they still might not be able to give each other what they want.
More staring at the screen. He can feel his heart constricting again. He's dramatic, he knows. And usually, he loves being dramatic for a crowd. But this... even if it doesn't work out, he doesn't want to make it worse.
Apparently he didn’t want to do this right now, but then changed his mind. That’s good. She’s ready to talk now.
I’ll see you soon.
It’s a long ride out to Coney Island, which gives Midge some time to think. She finds Jaskier at the railing by the sea, the Wonder Wheel rising up in the distance behind him.
“Hey,” she says quietly, giving him a little smile. He’s dressed way down, for him. Midge is perfectly coordinated as always. If she got one thing from Rose, it’s that she will always look fabulous, even if she’s dying inside.
“You wanna sit?” Midge inclines her head towards a nearby bench that faces the ocean.
She looks as beautiful as she always does, and Jaskier can't help but to stare at her for a second while his heart cries out for her. He puts his hands in the pockets of his jacket, hoping that will stop them from doing something stupid.
"Hey." He returns the little smile. "I actually mentioned this place because I thought we could go for a walk on the beach? I find the coast soothing."
This is the most subdued that she’s ever seen him before. Midge is afraid that his somber mood means that he’s going to tell her he never wants to see her again after today. Maybe that’s what she deserves.
“In these shoes?” she teases. It’s not really a joke, nor a funny one, but she’s off kilter. Going to the aforementioned bench, Midge sits and removes her heels. Now barefoot, she and Jaskier pick their way down the boardwalk that leads over the dunes, then over the soft white sand to the packed wet sand by the shoreline.
Midge takes a deep breath and lets it out. “I’m sorry,” she tells him.
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Midge watches him looking distraught, and she can’t help but wonder why he seems to be fighting himself on this. Is it because he thinks he’s about to lose the sex?
“I’m asking you to only be with me.” Midge says, blinking away the tears that are forming in her eyes. “And the fact that you don’t want to can only mean that I’m not enough for you. Even if you’re falling in love with me too, it still isn’t enough for some reason.”
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Jaskier wants to add more, but then he turns around and sees her crying. He deflates and hates himself, which isn't fair, because he warned her about this, over and over and over... and yet, here he is, being the bad guy. Just like everyone predicted. Joel will probably gloat, the bastard.
"I already told you the reason many a time. I warned you before either of us developed any feelings. Hell, I'll eat my sheet music if Geralt hasn't warned you too! How could it be you when I explained everything the day we fucking met?" He drags his hands down his face again. He wishes he could rip his heart out of his chest and put it in her hands just to prove his words - and mayhaps because it would hurt less. "It's not you - you're an amazing woman who deserves a man that will meet your every need. That will make you and your kids truly happy. I am not that man, Midge."
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“Things change, Jaskier. I didn’t expect to fall in love with you, and I’m sure you didn’t expect it either.” Midge shakes her head, wiping tears from her cheeks. “You don’t want to be that man, and that’s fine. I shouldn’t have expected that you would change for me. That was my mistake.”
Turning back to the couch, Midge shoves the drawing into her notebook, then picks it up along with her purse.
“I guess this is goodbye, then,” she says between sobs, “because I can’t do this anymore if I have to keep lying to everyone about how I feel about you.”
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"I TRIED to be that man in the past!" he snaps. He feels so fucking bad for making her cry, but he also feels bad for feeling bad - this isn't his fault. Why is he the bad guy here? "It does NOT work. I'm pretty fucking sure I shared that too." Another huff. "I thought you liked me for who I am. Yet all this time, you've been expecting me to change?" He shakes his head. "See, this is exactly what I'm talking about."
Tears appear in his eyes, too. Seeing her pick up her things makes it all more real - it's the final nail in the coffin. Jaskier swallows a sob.
"I'm guessing being literal friends wouldn't be enough either?" Because he would be fine with that. He can have sex somewhere else, her company is special. He hangs his head. "Goodbye, Miriam."
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She feels like she misread everything from him, and that makes her feel like a fool. Her heart feels like it’s literally breaking in her chest.
“I-I don’t know,” she says, still crying. “I need some time. Goodbye, Jaskier.”
Midge brushes past him to exit the club. The only sounds in the room are her gentle sobs and the clicking of her heels on the floor.
Perdita watches as Midge leaves, then sticks her head in the door to yell at Jaskier. “Go after her, you idiot!”
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I’m weak, my love, and I am wanting
Jaskier collapses on the couch and cries his heart out. He doesn't even register Perdita's voice, not that he would've followed her command if he had. Moments later, a thick pale hand is petting his head. Perdita must've called him.
"Don't you dare fucking say it."
"Mmh."
He asks Geralt to drive him around the city for a few hours, even if it's late. He claims he needs the distraction and the fresh air, which isn't a completely bad idea, but mostly he wants an excuse to hold his best friend for a while.
The family works together to hide all the alcohol in the house. Bastards.
It's a good thing that he's been so busy lately, because he needs those things to keep him distracted. Ironically, one of those things is the rehearsal for the wedding. Jaskier doesn't cancel it - he needs such a gig, and he won't take this away from the band. Heartbreak makes the ballads sound better anyway.
A different man fucks him every night, because he knows that he'll need some time before he'll be able to pick up a woman without thinking about her. And being pounded into oblivion is part of the not thinking process - or it should be, anyway. It's not the same. There's no spark. He wants his lovely, witty spark back.
If orgasms won't silence his brain, then he'll get the alcohol (and the mushrooms) himself. That's how, on Tuesday evening, Geralt will be carrying an unconscious Jaskier on his back out of a bar. He's done this many times before and knows how to fit the bard perfectly between his shoulder blades.
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She’s numb, and sad, and bitter.
Midge goes through the motions of her week, running errands and taking care of her kids. She lets herself get sloshed on wine. On Tuesday, she has a gig and she really lets everything out. All of her frustrations with men. Some of the men in the audience actually look a bit uncomfortable and Midge figures that means what she’s saying is hitting home. Good.
Nobody buys her a drink afterwards. Not that she can even think about sleeping with another man right now. She’s still too heartbroken.
Outside the club, Midge is waiting for a cab when she notices a familiar motorcycle parked by the curb. She turns at the sound of heavy footsteps.
“Geralt…” Jaskier’s head is flopped on his shoulder, passed out. Her brow furrows in concern. “Is he okay?”
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"Passed out drunk," he explains. He doesn't want to answer yes or no, since that's kind of relative. Healthy? Sure. Emotionally? Not so much. But he doesn't want to get caught in the middle of their argument.
He's still Geralt, though. So when he starts walking again and brushes past her, he just--
"Told you so."
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That’s not really what she wants to hear right now, from him or from anyone. Midge feels a stab of anger.
“All he wanted me for was sex anyway,” she says bitterly. “He’s free to go fuck everyone in the world now if he wants to.”
Tears roll down her cheeks and she wipes them away. Midge guesses that Jaskier’s dealing with the loss of their relationship badly, as evidenced by the state of him. A little voice in the back of her head wonders if she has reason to hope, but a louder one says she’s just fooling herself.
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Jaskier is an idiot, a cad, a slut, a dramatic hedonist. Geralt is the first one to call him all those things, the first one to just sigh when others complain about the bard, because they're right. He's also one of the most important people in his life, and Geralt learned the hard way what happens what you take him for granted. Jaskier has trouble being taken seriously, yet Midge learned his birth name. So much for that, huh?
"We brought you to our home," he growls at her. The only woman Jaskier brought home, the only one who heard his story. "I thought you were smart. I was wrong."
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“I thought he cared about me,” she says, looking at Jaskier’s passed out form. Midge has never seen him get that drunk. Is it possible that he’s struggling as much as she is?
Nobody knows Jaskier as well as Geralt does.
“He said he loved me too,” Midge admits. “Or, at least, he didn’t deny it. Why is he so scared to only be with me?”
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Geralt sighs. How did he end up stuck in this conversation? If Midge would only call Jaskier an idiot, he could simply agree and leave.
"He didn't lie to you. He's a good debaucher, but not a good boyfriend. Cages kill free birds."
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She sighs, knowing what Geralt is saying is right. Jaskier warned her.
“I can’t sleep with him anymore then. He doesn’t want emotions and I’m emotionally involved now.” Midge hangs her head. It’s killing her, but she can’t be what he wants. She can’t keep it casual anymore.
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(But even if it had only been about sex, well, Jaskier always warns his lovers. Geralt saw him learn that lesson when he was still a young brat. People are stupid for not listening to him.)
"Did he say he doesn't want emotions?" Geralt asks, clearly skeptical. "You still don't understand him. How he separates love, sex, and commitment. And that's fine - call him an idiot if you will, and I'll agree. But don't doubt his love. I'm not carrying him because he's tired."
He's carrying a broken heart.
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Midge takes a ragged breath as her taxi pulls up to the curb.
“I hope he feels better.”
She’s not quite sure what else to say. Perhaps she and Jaskier need to have a conversation when he’s conscious again. Before getting into the cab, she turns back to Geralt.
“Tell him… he can text me. If he wants to. When he’s ready.”
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At home, he wakes Jaskier up long enough merely for Yen to check on him, then he lets him sleep. Only fair. But when Jaskier wakes up for good, Geralt shares every single bit of the conversation, not caring about the stupid hangover headache just like he promised.
Jaskier is pretty annoyed by hearing that Midge accused him of only wanting sex, which he's pretty sure is what makes him throw up faster. It does sound like she took it back, thought? Maybe? He doesn't know what to think.
But as days pass without any amounts of alcohol or fucking being enough to silence his heart, he knows what he must do. He's just terrified of it.
He stares at his device as if it was a monster waiting to eat him.
You said I could text you?
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(Yes, she could text him, but she also doesn’t want to push it. Midge feels like she’s in high school again, dealing with this breakup. She doesn’t know how to handle it.)
Seeing his name come through on her device makes her heart leap, although dread quickly follows. For once in her life, she doesn’t know what to say.
Yes.
Are you okay?
Do you want to talk? We should talk. I want to talk to you.
Just… putting every scenario out there, she guesses.
There’s a pause as she debates if she ought to send this last message. Fortunately, it’s easier to ‘say’ over text than it would be to his face.
I miss you.
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It's that last text that finally breaks him.
I miss you too.
We should talk. But not on the device.
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There’s a diner that I go to sometimes. I’ll send you the address.
Midge is nervous and excited to meet him. She’s cautiously optimistic. Even if he says he misses her, they still might not be able to give each other what they want.
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Are you too busy?
I was thinking Coney Island.
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Alright. Should I leave now?
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fuck
i thought
i said somewhere far and thought you'd need
The three dots appear and disappear for a few seconds.
Yes. Now. See you soon.
Jaskier is already there when Midge arrives, resting on a railing while watching the sea. The coast has always been a lullaby for his heart.
There's no bag or lute, no makeup or jewelry except for the elven ring. Just the gray vest and his long read coat. Simple. Just Jaskier.
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Apparently he didn’t want to do this right now, but then changed his mind. That’s good. She’s ready to talk now.
I’ll see you soon.
It’s a long ride out to Coney Island, which gives Midge some time to think. She finds Jaskier at the railing by the sea, the Wonder Wheel rising up in the distance behind him.
“Hey,” she says quietly, giving him a little smile. He’s dressed way down, for him. Midge is perfectly coordinated as always. If she got one thing from Rose, it’s that she will always look fabulous, even if she’s dying inside.
“You wanna sit?” Midge inclines her head towards a nearby bench that faces the ocean.
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"Hey." He returns the little smile. "I actually mentioned this place because I thought we could go for a walk on the beach? I find the coast soothing."
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“In these shoes?” she teases. It’s not really a joke, nor a funny one, but she’s off kilter. Going to the aforementioned bench, Midge sits and removes her heels. Now barefoot, she and Jaskier pick their way down the boardwalk that leads over the dunes, then over the soft white sand to the packed wet sand by the shoreline.
Midge takes a deep breath and lets it out. “I’m sorry,” she tells him.
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