Boy, some love confession this is. It’s disappointing, as is Jaskier’s later response. Midge knew she was taking a risk by telling him that she was developing feelings for him.
She stands up and goes to him. In public probably isn’t the greatest place for this conversation, but it’s too late for that.
“You’re saying that you’re falling in love with me too, I think, so yes, of course I want more than sex with you. Why is that so bad, Jaskier? Don’t we make each other happy, even outside the bedroom?”
Luckily, they're the only ones left in the bar. Perdita enters the main area to check on them, but as soon as she sees their faces, she disappears and gives them their privacy.
She comes to him, and he steps back, only one thing echoing in his brain: told you so in the voice of a certain witcher. His hands continue to open and close as he fights the urge to reach out for her. He doesn't want to lose her - at least, not like this. He was supposed to watch her find the love of her life slowly and be genuinely happy for her.
This isn't him singing at her wedding; this is her organizing his funeral.
"You do make me happy, and for me, that's enough. I like my freedom. I like waking up in the morning and choosing to leave for a week with Geralt to follow trails of wyvern crap on the mountains without having to explain myself to anyone."
His voice is starting to rise, frustration and heartbreak forming a hurricane of emotions in his chest that has been enhanced by the conversation with Lenny.
"I make you happy for now. Because I'm the new and exciting bloke bored housewives have fun with. But I'm not a husband, I'm not the estimable man that good girls take home to their parents." He raises a hand, as if anticipating what she may say. "And don't you fucking dare say we already did that, because we both know how that ended. I can behave for survival, I did it for years in court-- but I refuse to 'behave'-" He signs the quotation marks. "-in my fucking private life! What exactly do you think would happen if you took the real me to one of your religious holiday dinners?"
She’s about to say that she doesn’t mind if he travels with Geralt to hunt monsters. He won’t have to explain it to her. But then he keeps going and his words hit her like a ton of bricks.
“Is that why you think I’m with you, because I’m a bored housewife? Jaskier, it didn’t go well with my parents because they could tell we were lying. They knew we were more than just friends. You hardly even gave them a chance. The first sign of them disagreeing with you about something and you went off.
This isn’t about my parents though. It’s about us. I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m just asking to be enough for you.”
Why does it feel like she’s never enough for anyone?
"No, I don't think it's the only reason why you're with me. But I do think it's given you a rose-colored opinion of me." He huffs. "I don't like your parents, Midge. Is that what you wanted me to tell you? There you go. Before I even met them, I was already annoyed by the mere idea of them because of how they fucking treat you."
He starts pacing as he runs his hands through his hair and drags them down his face, smearing the makeup. It matches his heartbroken face and the way his stomach keeps turning. Gosh, he better not throw up in the middle of this.
"You already are enough!" He exclaims as he opens his arms. "You're the one asking for more!"
This isn’t supposed to be about her parents, but she can’t help but ask anyway: “What do you mean how they treat me?” she asks. “They don’t treat me badly.”
Midge watches him looking distraught, and she can’t help but wonder why he seems to be fighting himself on this. Is it because he thinks he’s about to lose the sex?
“I’m asking you to only be with me.” Midge says, blinking away the tears that are forming in her eyes. “And the fact that you don’t want to can only mean that I’m not enough for you. Even if you’re falling in love with me too, it still isn’t enough for some reason.”
"They didn't even notice you disappeared overnight."
Jaskier wants to add more, but then he turns around and sees her crying. He deflates and hates himself, which isn't fair, because he warned her about this, over and over and over... and yet, here he is, being the bad guy. Just like everyone predicted. Joel will probably gloat, the bastard.
"I already told you the reason many a time. I warned you before either of us developed any feelings. Hell, I'll eat my sheet music if Geralt hasn't warned you too! How could it be you when I explained everything the day we fucking met?" He drags his hands down his face again. He wishes he could rip his heart out of his chest and put it in her hands just to prove his words - and mayhaps because it would hurt less. "It's not you - you're an amazing woman who deserves a man that will meet your every need. That will make you and your kids truly happy. I am not that man, Midge."
They don’t keep tabs on her 24/7. She’s a grown woman. But she’s not going to argue with him about her parents right now.
“Things change, Jaskier. I didn’t expect to fall in love with you, and I’m sure you didn’t expect it either.” Midge shakes her head, wiping tears from her cheeks. “You don’t want to be that man, and that’s fine. I shouldn’t have expected that you would change for me. That was my mistake.”
Turning back to the couch, Midge shoves the drawing into her notebook, then picks it up along with her purse.
“I guess this is goodbye, then,” she says between sobs, “because I can’t do this anymore if I have to keep lying to everyone about how I feel about you.”
"I TRIED to be that man in the past!" he snaps. He feels so fucking bad for making her cry, but he also feels bad for feeling bad - this isn't his fault. Why is he the bad guy here? "It does NOT work. I'm pretty fucking sure I shared that too." Another huff. "I thought you liked me for who I am. Yet all this time, you've been expecting me to change?" He shakes his head. "See, this is exactly what I'm talking about."
Tears appear in his eyes, too. Seeing her pick up her things makes it all more real - it's the final nail in the coffin. Jaskier swallows a sob.
"I'm guessing being literal friends wouldn't be enough either?" Because he would be fine with that. He can have sex somewhere else, her company is special. He hangs his head. "Goodbye, Miriam."
“I do like you for who you are. I love everything about you. Anyone can see that; I couldn’t hide it if I tried. I thought maybe I was special enough for you to try being in a relationship again.”
She feels like she misread everything from him, and that makes her feel like a fool. Her heart feels like it’s literally breaking in her chest.
“I-I don’t know,” she says, still crying. “I need some time. Goodbye, Jaskier.”
Midge brushes past him to exit the club. The only sounds in the room are her gentle sobs and the clicking of her heels on the floor.
Perdita watches as Midge leaves, then sticks her head in the door to yell at Jaskier. “Go after her, you idiot!”
Suddenly, he's forty again, and he's being abandoned on top of a mountain. Never before in his life had someone broken his heart like Geralt did that day, not even the Countess. Now it's happening again - a heart shattered in tiny pieces, his legs frozen and unable to go home because he doesn't know what home is anymore. The same song plays...
I’m weak, my love, and I am wanting
Jaskier collapses on the couch and cries his heart out. He doesn't even register Perdita's voice, not that he would've followed her command if he had. Moments later, a thick pale hand is petting his head. Perdita must've called him.
"Don't you dare fucking say it."
"Mmh."
He asks Geralt to drive him around the city for a few hours, even if it's late. He claims he needs the distraction and the fresh air, which isn't a completely bad idea, but mostly he wants an excuse to hold his best friend for a while.
The family works together to hide all the alcohol in the house. Bastards.
It's a good thing that he's been so busy lately, because he needs those things to keep him distracted. Ironically, one of those things is the rehearsal for the wedding. Jaskier doesn't cancel it - he needs such a gig, and he won't take this away from the band. Heartbreak makes the ballads sound better anyway.
A different man fucks him every night, because he knows that he'll need some time before he'll be able to pick up a woman without thinking about her. And being pounded into oblivion is part of the not thinking process - or it should be, anyway. It's not the same. There's no spark. He wants his lovely, witty spark back.
If orgasms won't silence his brain, then he'll get the alcohol (and the mushrooms) himself. That's how, on Tuesday evening, Geralt will be carrying an unconscious Jaskier on his back out of a bar. He's done this many times before and knows how to fit the bard perfectly between his shoulder blades.
Her parents can tell that something is wrong, and she can only put them off for so long. Sometimes, she really wishes that she lived alone. After crying all night in her room, Midge confesses to them that she and Jaskier had a fight. How else can she explain it? She can’t say that they broke up if they were never together. More and more, she’s starting to think that what they had meant nothing to him, that his words of affection and looks of love were lies.
She’s numb, and sad, and bitter.
Midge goes through the motions of her week, running errands and taking care of her kids. She lets herself get sloshed on wine. On Tuesday, she has a gig and she really lets everything out. All of her frustrations with men. Some of the men in the audience actually look a bit uncomfortable and Midge figures that means what she’s saying is hitting home. Good.
Nobody buys her a drink afterwards. Not that she can even think about sleeping with another man right now. She’s still too heartbroken.
Outside the club, Midge is waiting for a cab when she notices a familiar motorcycle parked by the curb. She turns at the sound of heavy footsteps.
“Geralt…” Jaskier’s head is flopped on his shoulder, passed out. Her brow furrows in concern. “Is he okay?”
Geralt stops walking when he sees her, and he doesn't know what to expect. Jaskier's lovers have put him in dumb situations before, but this is different. He's not exactly the best choice when it comes to comforting people.
"Passed out drunk," he explains. He doesn't want to answer yes or no, since that's kind of relative. Healthy? Sure. Emotionally? Not so much. But he doesn't want to get caught in the middle of their argument.
He's still Geralt, though. So when he starts walking again and brushes past her, he just--
That’s not really what she wants to hear right now, from him or from anyone. Midge feels a stab of anger.
“All he wanted me for was sex anyway,” she says bitterly. “He’s free to go fuck everyone in the world now if he wants to.”
Tears roll down her cheeks and she wipes them away. Midge guesses that Jaskier’s dealing with the loss of their relationship badly, as evidenced by the state of him. A little voice in the back of her head wonders if she has reason to hope, but a louder one says she’s just fooling herself.
Jaskier is an idiot, a cad, a slut, a dramatic hedonist. Geralt is the first one to call him all those things, the first one to just sigh when others complain about the bard, because they're right. He's also one of the most important people in his life, and Geralt learned the hard way what happens what you take him for granted. Jaskier has trouble being taken seriously, yet Midge learned his birth name. So much for that, huh?
"We brought you to our home," he growls at her. The only woman Jaskier brought home, the only one who heard his story. "I thought you were smart. I was wrong."
“I thought he cared about me,” she says, looking at Jaskier’s passed out form. Midge has never seen him get that drunk. Is it possible that he’s struggling as much as she is?
Nobody knows Jaskier as well as Geralt does.
“He said he loved me too,” Midge admits. “Or, at least, he didn’t deny it. Why is he so scared to only be with me?”
“I do see him for more than that,” Midge says, getting annoyed now. “I love him. If it was just about sex we wouldn’t have spent as much time together not having sex as we did.”
She sighs, knowing what Geralt is saying is right. Jaskier warned her.
“I can’t sleep with him anymore then. He doesn’t want emotions and I’m emotionally involved now.” Midge hangs her head. It’s killing her, but she can’t be what he wants. She can’t keep it casual anymore.
Geralt smirks. "So you do know he didn't only want you for sex." Which is, you know, what she just said, and why it had annoyed him. Good to know she isn't fully blind at least.
(But even if it had only been about sex, well, Jaskier always warns his lovers. Geralt saw him learn that lesson when he was still a young brat. People are stupid for not listening to him.)
"Did he say he doesn't want emotions?" Geralt asks, clearly skeptical. "You still don't understand him. How he separates love, sex, and commitment. And that's fine - call him an idiot if you will, and I'll agree. But don't doubt his love. I'm not carrying him because he's tired."
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She stands up and goes to him. In public probably isn’t the greatest place for this conversation, but it’s too late for that.
“You’re saying that you’re falling in love with me too, I think, so yes, of course I want more than sex with you. Why is that so bad, Jaskier? Don’t we make each other happy, even outside the bedroom?”
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She comes to him, and he steps back, only one thing echoing in his brain: told you so in the voice of a certain witcher. His hands continue to open and close as he fights the urge to reach out for her. He doesn't want to lose her - at least, not like this. He was supposed to watch her find the love of her life slowly and be genuinely happy for her.
This isn't him singing at her wedding; this is her organizing his funeral.
"You do make me happy, and for me, that's enough. I like my freedom. I like waking up in the morning and choosing to leave for a week with Geralt to follow trails of wyvern crap on the mountains without having to explain myself to anyone."
His voice is starting to rise, frustration and heartbreak forming a hurricane of emotions in his chest that has been enhanced by the conversation with Lenny.
"I make you happy for now. Because I'm the new and exciting bloke bored housewives have fun with. But I'm not a husband, I'm not the estimable man that good girls take home to their parents." He raises a hand, as if anticipating what she may say. "And don't you fucking dare say we already did that, because we both know how that ended. I can behave for survival, I did it for years in court-- but I refuse to 'behave'-" He signs the quotation marks. "-in my fucking private life! What exactly do you think would happen if you took the real me to one of your religious holiday dinners?"
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“Is that why you think I’m with you, because I’m a bored housewife? Jaskier, it didn’t go well with my parents because they could tell we were lying. They knew we were more than just friends. You hardly even gave them a chance. The first sign of them disagreeing with you about something and you went off.
This isn’t about my parents though. It’s about us. I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m just asking to be enough for you.”
Why does it feel like she’s never enough for anyone?
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He starts pacing as he runs his hands through his hair and drags them down his face, smearing the makeup. It matches his heartbroken face and the way his stomach keeps turning. Gosh, he better not throw up in the middle of this.
"You already are enough!" He exclaims as he opens his arms. "You're the one asking for more!"
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Midge watches him looking distraught, and she can’t help but wonder why he seems to be fighting himself on this. Is it because he thinks he’s about to lose the sex?
“I’m asking you to only be with me.” Midge says, blinking away the tears that are forming in her eyes. “And the fact that you don’t want to can only mean that I’m not enough for you. Even if you’re falling in love with me too, it still isn’t enough for some reason.”
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Jaskier wants to add more, but then he turns around and sees her crying. He deflates and hates himself, which isn't fair, because he warned her about this, over and over and over... and yet, here he is, being the bad guy. Just like everyone predicted. Joel will probably gloat, the bastard.
"I already told you the reason many a time. I warned you before either of us developed any feelings. Hell, I'll eat my sheet music if Geralt hasn't warned you too! How could it be you when I explained everything the day we fucking met?" He drags his hands down his face again. He wishes he could rip his heart out of his chest and put it in her hands just to prove his words - and mayhaps because it would hurt less. "It's not you - you're an amazing woman who deserves a man that will meet your every need. That will make you and your kids truly happy. I am not that man, Midge."
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“Things change, Jaskier. I didn’t expect to fall in love with you, and I’m sure you didn’t expect it either.” Midge shakes her head, wiping tears from her cheeks. “You don’t want to be that man, and that’s fine. I shouldn’t have expected that you would change for me. That was my mistake.”
Turning back to the couch, Midge shoves the drawing into her notebook, then picks it up along with her purse.
“I guess this is goodbye, then,” she says between sobs, “because I can’t do this anymore if I have to keep lying to everyone about how I feel about you.”
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"I TRIED to be that man in the past!" he snaps. He feels so fucking bad for making her cry, but he also feels bad for feeling bad - this isn't his fault. Why is he the bad guy here? "It does NOT work. I'm pretty fucking sure I shared that too." Another huff. "I thought you liked me for who I am. Yet all this time, you've been expecting me to change?" He shakes his head. "See, this is exactly what I'm talking about."
Tears appear in his eyes, too. Seeing her pick up her things makes it all more real - it's the final nail in the coffin. Jaskier swallows a sob.
"I'm guessing being literal friends wouldn't be enough either?" Because he would be fine with that. He can have sex somewhere else, her company is special. He hangs his head. "Goodbye, Miriam."
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She feels like she misread everything from him, and that makes her feel like a fool. Her heart feels like it’s literally breaking in her chest.
“I-I don’t know,” she says, still crying. “I need some time. Goodbye, Jaskier.”
Midge brushes past him to exit the club. The only sounds in the room are her gentle sobs and the clicking of her heels on the floor.
Perdita watches as Midge leaves, then sticks her head in the door to yell at Jaskier. “Go after her, you idiot!”
no subject
I’m weak, my love, and I am wanting
Jaskier collapses on the couch and cries his heart out. He doesn't even register Perdita's voice, not that he would've followed her command if he had. Moments later, a thick pale hand is petting his head. Perdita must've called him.
"Don't you dare fucking say it."
"Mmh."
He asks Geralt to drive him around the city for a few hours, even if it's late. He claims he needs the distraction and the fresh air, which isn't a completely bad idea, but mostly he wants an excuse to hold his best friend for a while.
The family works together to hide all the alcohol in the house. Bastards.
It's a good thing that he's been so busy lately, because he needs those things to keep him distracted. Ironically, one of those things is the rehearsal for the wedding. Jaskier doesn't cancel it - he needs such a gig, and he won't take this away from the band. Heartbreak makes the ballads sound better anyway.
A different man fucks him every night, because he knows that he'll need some time before he'll be able to pick up a woman without thinking about her. And being pounded into oblivion is part of the not thinking process - or it should be, anyway. It's not the same. There's no spark. He wants his lovely, witty spark back.
If orgasms won't silence his brain, then he'll get the alcohol (and the mushrooms) himself. That's how, on Tuesday evening, Geralt will be carrying an unconscious Jaskier on his back out of a bar. He's done this many times before and knows how to fit the bard perfectly between his shoulder blades.
no subject
She’s numb, and sad, and bitter.
Midge goes through the motions of her week, running errands and taking care of her kids. She lets herself get sloshed on wine. On Tuesday, she has a gig and she really lets everything out. All of her frustrations with men. Some of the men in the audience actually look a bit uncomfortable and Midge figures that means what she’s saying is hitting home. Good.
Nobody buys her a drink afterwards. Not that she can even think about sleeping with another man right now. She’s still too heartbroken.
Outside the club, Midge is waiting for a cab when she notices a familiar motorcycle parked by the curb. She turns at the sound of heavy footsteps.
“Geralt…” Jaskier’s head is flopped on his shoulder, passed out. Her brow furrows in concern. “Is he okay?”
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"Passed out drunk," he explains. He doesn't want to answer yes or no, since that's kind of relative. Healthy? Sure. Emotionally? Not so much. But he doesn't want to get caught in the middle of their argument.
He's still Geralt, though. So when he starts walking again and brushes past her, he just--
"Told you so."
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That’s not really what she wants to hear right now, from him or from anyone. Midge feels a stab of anger.
“All he wanted me for was sex anyway,” she says bitterly. “He’s free to go fuck everyone in the world now if he wants to.”
Tears roll down her cheeks and she wipes them away. Midge guesses that Jaskier’s dealing with the loss of their relationship badly, as evidenced by the state of him. A little voice in the back of her head wonders if she has reason to hope, but a louder one says she’s just fooling herself.
no subject
Jaskier is an idiot, a cad, a slut, a dramatic hedonist. Geralt is the first one to call him all those things, the first one to just sigh when others complain about the bard, because they're right. He's also one of the most important people in his life, and Geralt learned the hard way what happens what you take him for granted. Jaskier has trouble being taken seriously, yet Midge learned his birth name. So much for that, huh?
"We brought you to our home," he growls at her. The only woman Jaskier brought home, the only one who heard his story. "I thought you were smart. I was wrong."
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“I thought he cared about me,” she says, looking at Jaskier’s passed out form. Midge has never seen him get that drunk. Is it possible that he’s struggling as much as she is?
Nobody knows Jaskier as well as Geralt does.
“He said he loved me too,” Midge admits. “Or, at least, he didn’t deny it. Why is he so scared to only be with me?”
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Geralt sighs. How did he end up stuck in this conversation? If Midge would only call Jaskier an idiot, he could simply agree and leave.
"He didn't lie to you. He's a good debaucher, but not a good boyfriend. Cages kill free birds."
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She sighs, knowing what Geralt is saying is right. Jaskier warned her.
“I can’t sleep with him anymore then. He doesn’t want emotions and I’m emotionally involved now.” Midge hangs her head. It’s killing her, but she can’t be what he wants. She can’t keep it casual anymore.
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(But even if it had only been about sex, well, Jaskier always warns his lovers. Geralt saw him learn that lesson when he was still a young brat. People are stupid for not listening to him.)
"Did he say he doesn't want emotions?" Geralt asks, clearly skeptical. "You still don't understand him. How he separates love, sex, and commitment. And that's fine - call him an idiot if you will, and I'll agree. But don't doubt his love. I'm not carrying him because he's tired."
He's carrying a broken heart.