Midge puts her hands out when Jaskier tells her not to touch anything. Maybe she should have listened before wading into whatever fresh hell this is. Both she and Joel are so stunned by everything going on around them that neither of them answer for a moment. Midge doesn’t know anything about pipes, so she turns to her ex-husband.
“No,” he says. “It’s not connected, but there should be electrical lines and water pipes in there. Do you want me to shut off the electricity?”
At the mention of toxic waste, both Midge and Joel look horrified. “I’ll— We’ll wait outside,” she says. “After Joel cuts the power to the building.”
Midge exits and sits down on an empty crate in the alley. She manages to get her shoes off without touching them, leaving them in a pile far away from her. They’re a total write off. Thank goodness they weren’t her favorite.
Joel joins her a few minutes later, his sleeves rolled up, tie loosened and collar open. He blows out a sigh and wipes his face. “Fuck me, Pop is going to have a conniption.” He pulls a pack of cigarettes and a lighter out of his pocket.
“Give me one of those,” Midge says.
“I thought you were cutting back.”
“I am, but…” She gestures vaguely around them. This shit show calls for a cigarette. Plus, she’s worried about Jaskier and Geralt.
Joel lights two cigarettes and hands one of them to her.
Without humans meddling, they can work much faster, used to their routine after years of co-existing in each other's personal spaces. Once Jaskier has bandaged the wound, Geralt enters the nest, ready to end it all. Then the bard gathers boxes and buckets to throw all the bodies, which are sent to their house through a portal that Yennefer opens in the middle of the room.
Usually she doesn't get involved in hunts, but all the toxic shit IS pretty dangerous. Besides, it could be useful for her experiments. So she uses magic to gather every strange liquid in the room -from poison to crushed brains- and bottles it for personal use. The room is still a fucking mess that needs cleaning, but at least, it's a normal mess that humans can handle later.
It takes Jaskier a little over an hour to show up in the alley. He's wet from head to toes, he has taken off his jacket and his sleeves are rolled up, which means his shirt is sticking to his skin. He smells like absolute shit, and even his shoes are making squeaky noises as he walks. And yet, no matter how disgusting he currently is, he wrinkles his nose when he finds Joel and Midge smoking. Priorities.
Jaskier rests his body against the wall, keeping a bit of distance. He lets out a very tired sigh and watches the failed marriage for a second, taking them in before finally speaking up.
"The nest and the spiders are gone. Nothing dangerous of the magical variety is left. The pipes are fine, but some cables were broken on the struggle. So don't bring back the power unless you want a different kind of danger."
Midge breathes a sigh of relief when she sees Jaskier emerge from the building, exhausted, smelly, but unharmed.
“Is Geralt okay?” She asks. “Are you okay?”
Stinky though he may be, Midge does happen to notice how the wet shirt clings to his chest. If the stench wasn’t a deterrent (and Joel wasn’t here) she might be cuddling up to him.
“Thanks,” Joel says. “We didn’t get to meet officially. I’m Joel Maisel, Midge’s ex-husband.” He holds out a hand to Jaskier, despite the smell.
Jaskier nods at Midge's questions. "The shoulder wound was the only injury, and he took his potion quickly, so it'll be gone in a few hours."
Perhaps less, if Yennefer gets involved. Jaskier suspects Geralt may already be teaching Ciri how to clean Harassi skeletons to keep the useful parts.
"I wish I could say the same about the fucking smell." That's gonna take too many showers and a whole supply of soap.
He can't stop his eyebrows from raising when Joel shows manners, surprised the guy hasn't run back to the factory to call his father or whatever. After a very quick glance at Midge, Jaskier shakes Joel's hand.
"Jaskier of Oxenfurt. Musician, poet, spokeperson for the witcher and the witch." Now that things have calmed down, he takes a better look at the guy. He's cute, he must admit - can't blame Midge for her taste. When he remembers how Midge came to his house at 3am in tears, however, he wants to feed the cute face to the spiders. "Midge has talked a lot about you."
Good? Bad? He doesn't say, he just wants to pull a reaction out of him.
Joel’s eyebrows raise as well at that introduction. Where is Midge meeting these people?
When Jaskier says that Midge has talked about him a lot, something clicks. This is the man that she’s sleeping with. He looks between the two of them for a second, debating how he wants to approach this.
“That’s funny, because she hasn’t told any of us anything about you, considering how close you two seem to be.”
“Joel, stop.” Midge warns. “We’re all exhausted. We don’t need to do this now.” Or ever, as far as she’s concerned.
Ah, the guy has put two and two together. He may be a dumbass, but he isn't dumb.
"It's almost as if she was an adult with a right to privacy," he bites back. "Who would've thought?" Part of him wants to have this fight, he realizes, just so he can have a excuse to drop a bunch of insults.
Midge's warning tone reminds him that whatever they do will end with her stuck in the middle. Jaskier puts his open hands up. "Worry not. I shall go home and start on the first of multiple baths once we get paid."
We, he says, as if Geralt hadn't already left with the bodies. Details.
Joel keeps his mouth shut, but he’s clearly giving Jaskier a once over. This is the guy that Midge is fucking? He almost can’t believe it. It must be the charm and the poetry and the accent.
Midge is right though. Fighting about this right now is stupid. “I’ll get my checkbook,” he says and goes back into the building.
Midge lets out a smoke-filled sigh. “What a shit show. Thank you for coming though. I’m glad you’re okay.” She reaches for his hand and gives it a squeeze. That’s the closest sort of physical affection that he’s going to get while he smells like this.
With a smirk, Jaskier puts his hands on his hips and tilts his head, letting Joel have his once over. A glint in his blue eyes says he dares him to say something again.
It's kinda ironic, really, because usually Jaskier is the one complaining about macho men needing to have dick meassuring contests.
He's keeping his eyes on Joel's back, almost expecting something, so Midge's sudden touch makes him jump in surprise. His expression softens when he hears her talk, and he almost feels guilty. Almost.
"Of course we came," he replies as he takes Midge's hand to his lips for a quick kiss. That's still distant enough, right? "We'll always save people, even when letting them get eaten by the spiders would be the superior choice."
He is talking in general and not about anyone in particular. Nope, not here, no sir.
"I am glad you're okay too. But if this happens again, I want you to stay home."
She raises her pointer finger and fondly strokes his cheek, only to roll her eyes fondly when Jaskier says that some people should be eaten by spiders.
“He’s an idiot, but he’s still the father of my children,” Midge replies. She sighs again. “I didn’t want to leave you here alone with him. And… I thought I could help.”
He hums in delight when when she strokes his cheek. Gods, the urge to hug her is so strong and hard to keep contained.
"You did help when you forced him to evacuate," he clarifies, kissing her hand again because he's desperate for affection. "Hearing you get in charge was very distracting." He waggles his eyebrows. "Another reason for you to stay home. You wouldn't want me to get bitten while I stare at your cleavage, do you?"
A little teasing. Honestly, this is ironic too - Geralt thinks Jaskier is the last person on the planet to tell others they shouldn't get involved in hunts.
Jaskier, at least, has experience with hunts. And proper footwear.
Midge loves how he reacts to her touch. She would press her body to his if he didn’t smell like a sewer. “Oh was it?” She asks coyly. “You like when I take charge, don’t you?” She already knows that.
Joel returns and Midge lets go of Jaskier’s hand. She’s not going to add any fuel to this fire.
“How much do I owe you?” Joel asks.
Midge stares at Jaskier, hoping that he isn’t about to quote some exorbitant rate.
As a certified drama queen, Jaskier was hoping Joel would catch them red-handed. Alas.
It gives him another idea, though. One for a metaphorical slap in the face.
After a quick glance at Midge, Jaskier gives a rate similar to what the exterminators charged. "A little first time descount for friends," he says with a wink. But it's clear that he's being a passive aggressive little shit.
Once the check is safe in his hand (can't exactly pocket it in wet clothes), he offers a quick bow.
"A pleasure to make business with you." Not really, but oh well. He turns to Midge. "Talk to you later?" He steps out of the alley, only to suddenly freeze. "Oh, I almost forgot!"
He didn't. This is the idea - it's all calculated. How many steps he took out of the alley, how he keeps a perfectly innocent face as he comes back, how he ignores Joel as if he wasn't there at all.
"I owed you an answer. It's a yes - I shall be your plus one for the wedding." The grin could almost split his face in two. "Send me the details later, will you?"
After smoothly letting his hand brush Midge's, he finally leaves for real, waving over his shoulder without glancing at Joel even once. He enters the factory and disappears into a portal, so if anyone tries to follow him, he'll already be gone.
Midge’s face breaks into a grin when Jaskier says that he’ll come to the wedding with her. “Really?” she can’t help but squeak, like a preteen girl. She pulls herself together. “I mean. Yeah. I’ll text you later.”
Even through her happiness, it occurs to her that this was a performance for Joel’s benefit. It works. He’s flabbergasted that Jaskier is going with her to a family wedding.
Later that evening, Midge does indeed send Jaskier a text:
Did you mean it? You’ll come to Leah’s wedding with me?
Later when Jaskier is in the tub trying to get rid of the fucking smell, he does panic a little. He reacted on a whim, eager to stab Joel where it hurts.
But he also remembers Midge's amazing smile and the very cute squeak, and thinks it's worth it to make her so happy. She deserves to have an emotional shield at that fucking wedding if her whole family is going to act like Joel did today. He remembers his childood during events like that, and he wants to save her from the same fate.
The way it makes his heart beat is dangerous. And like the dumbass he is, he ignores it.
Jaskier is about to fall asleep in the tub when he gets Midge's text. He smiles.
Of course. I wouldn't joke about something like that.
I didn’t give him much of a chance to say anything, mostly because I didn’t want to fight with him. For whatever reason, he can’t believe we’re having sex, or that you’re going to Leah’s wedding.
Well, now it seems like he’s actually excited to go. Midge wishes he’d been that excited when it was just him going as her date.
That should be fine. I told her you’re the biggest thing in New York’s club scene right now.
I don't know what aspect of my persona he can't believe, therefore I don't know if being flattered or insulted. Alas.
It sounds like Joel is properly annoyed, at the very least, so Jaskier counts it as a win.
He laughs when he notices what she omitted in her reccomendation. Smart girl.
I love it when you're so witty. Thank you, darling. I owe you one. Would you send me your cousin's number? For business, I promise. I should introduce myself and discuss music preferences with her.
It finally hits him, then.
So your whole family knows about your plus one now?
Your… old-fashioned-ness. He just didn’t think I would… date, someone whose sensibilities seem to come from 400 years ago. Of course, he doesn’t know you.
[Leah’s number]
Yes, I’ve told my parents, since I figured Joel would if I didn’t. They want to meet you, of course.
I won’t make you, if you’d rather wait until the wedding.
Having to meet her parents should push him into panic. But now that he's agreed to go to the wedding and a be shield against her family, this is nothing. He's already too deep.
That pause between texts isn't very long.
Let's do it. Better do things the right way now so the wedding will go well. Dinner at your place?
He didn’t think I would like all of that courtly stuff. I told him he was wrong. I can appreciate a gentleman.
As I said, he doesn’t know you.
This complete turn around in Jaskier has Midge cautiously hopeful. It seems like he’s finally decided that her family doesn’t mean him any harm. That makes her happy. Happier than it probably should.
I also like the very ungentlemanly things you do to me in bed.
My father is a retired Columbia math professor. He’s very by the book and thinks that he’s always right, but he’s surprisingly forward-thinking. You could always bring up the piano.
Mama will be impressed with your manners, so have them on display. A little flattery will help too, but don’t overdo it.
There lies the problem. Joel is no gentleman. And he isn't ungentlemanly enough to bend you over and fuck you so hard that you forget we're coming on your dress.
I'm not sure I want to discuss music with a "by the book" man, but I'll keep it in mind. Flattering your mother will be much easier.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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“No,” he says. “It’s not connected, but there should be electrical lines and water pipes in there. Do you want me to shut off the electricity?”
At the mention of toxic waste, both Midge and Joel look horrified. “I’ll— We’ll wait outside,” she says. “After Joel cuts the power to the building.”
Midge exits and sits down on an empty crate in the alley. She manages to get her shoes off without touching them, leaving them in a pile far away from her. They’re a total write off. Thank goodness they weren’t her favorite.
Joel joins her a few minutes later, his sleeves rolled up, tie loosened and collar open. He blows out a sigh and wipes his face. “Fuck me, Pop is going to have a conniption.” He pulls a pack of cigarettes and a lighter out of his pocket.
“Give me one of those,” Midge says.
“I thought you were cutting back.”
“I am, but…” She gestures vaguely around them. This shit show calls for a cigarette. Plus, she’s worried about Jaskier and Geralt.
Joel lights two cigarettes and hands one of them to her.
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Usually she doesn't get involved in hunts, but all the toxic shit IS pretty dangerous. Besides, it could be useful for her experiments. So she uses magic to gather every strange liquid in the room -from poison to crushed brains- and bottles it for personal use. The room is still a fucking mess that needs cleaning, but at least, it's a normal mess that humans can handle later.
It takes Jaskier a little over an hour to show up in the alley. He's wet from head to toes, he has taken off his jacket and his sleeves are rolled up, which means his shirt is sticking to his skin. He smells like absolute shit, and even his shoes are making squeaky noises as he walks. And yet, no matter how disgusting he currently is, he wrinkles his nose when he finds Joel and Midge smoking. Priorities.
Jaskier rests his body against the wall, keeping a bit of distance. He lets out a very tired sigh and watches the failed marriage for a second, taking them in before finally speaking up.
"The nest and the spiders are gone. Nothing dangerous of the magical variety is left. The pipes are fine, but some cables were broken on the struggle. So don't bring back the power unless you want a different kind of danger."
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“Is Geralt okay?” She asks. “Are you okay?”
Stinky though he may be, Midge does happen to notice how the wet shirt clings to his chest. If the stench wasn’t a deterrent (and Joel wasn’t here) she might be cuddling up to him.
“Thanks,” Joel says. “We didn’t get to meet officially. I’m Joel Maisel, Midge’s ex-husband.” He holds out a hand to Jaskier, despite the smell.
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Perhaps less, if Yennefer gets involved. Jaskier suspects Geralt may already be teaching Ciri how to clean Harassi skeletons to keep the useful parts.
"I wish I could say the same about the fucking smell." That's gonna take too many showers and a whole supply of soap.
He can't stop his eyebrows from raising when Joel shows manners, surprised the guy hasn't run back to the factory to call his father or whatever. After a very quick glance at Midge, Jaskier shakes Joel's hand.
"Jaskier of Oxenfurt. Musician, poet, spokeperson for the witcher and the witch." Now that things have calmed down, he takes a better look at the guy. He's cute, he must admit - can't blame Midge for her taste. When he remembers how Midge came to his house at 3am in tears, however, he wants to feed the cute face to the spiders. "Midge has talked a lot about you."
Good? Bad? He doesn't say, he just wants to pull a reaction out of him.
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When Jaskier says that Midge has talked about him a lot, something clicks. This is the man that she’s sleeping with. He looks between the two of them for a second, debating how he wants to approach this.
“That’s funny, because she hasn’t told any of us anything about you, considering how close you two seem to be.”
“Joel, stop.” Midge warns. “We’re all exhausted. We don’t need to do this now.” Or ever, as far as she’s concerned.
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"It's almost as if she was an adult with a right to privacy," he bites back. "Who would've thought?" Part of him wants to have this fight, he realizes, just so he can have a excuse to drop a bunch of insults.
Midge's warning tone reminds him that whatever they do will end with her stuck in the middle. Jaskier puts his open hands up. "Worry not. I shall go home and start on the first of multiple baths once we get paid."
We, he says, as if Geralt hadn't already left with the bodies. Details.
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Midge is right though. Fighting about this right now is stupid. “I’ll get my checkbook,” he says and goes back into the building.
Midge lets out a smoke-filled sigh. “What a shit show. Thank you for coming though. I’m glad you’re okay.” She reaches for his hand and gives it a squeeze. That’s the closest sort of physical affection that he’s going to get while he smells like this.
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It's kinda ironic, really, because usually Jaskier is the one complaining about macho men needing to have dick meassuring contests.
He's keeping his eyes on Joel's back, almost expecting something, so Midge's sudden touch makes him jump in surprise. His expression softens when he hears her talk, and he almost feels guilty. Almost.
"Of course we came," he replies as he takes Midge's hand to his lips for a quick kiss. That's still distant enough, right? "We'll always save people, even when letting them get eaten by the spiders would be the superior choice."
He is talking in general and not about anyone in particular. Nope, not here, no sir.
"I am glad you're okay too. But if this happens again, I want you to stay home."
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“He’s an idiot, but he’s still the father of my children,” Midge replies. She sighs again. “I didn’t want to leave you here alone with him. And… I thought I could help.”
Turns out she was very wrong about that.
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"You did help when you forced him to evacuate," he clarifies, kissing her hand again because he's desperate for affection. "Hearing you get in charge was very distracting." He waggles his eyebrows. "Another reason for you to stay home. You wouldn't want me to get bitten while I stare at your cleavage, do you?"
A little teasing. Honestly, this is ironic too - Geralt thinks Jaskier is the last person on the planet to tell others they shouldn't get involved in hunts.
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Midge loves how he reacts to her touch. She would press her body to his if he didn’t smell like a sewer. “Oh was it?” She asks coyly. “You like when I take charge, don’t you?” She already knows that.
Joel returns and Midge lets go of Jaskier’s hand. She’s not going to add any fuel to this fire.
“How much do I owe you?” Joel asks.
Midge stares at Jaskier, hoping that he isn’t about to quote some exorbitant rate.
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It gives him another idea, though. One for a metaphorical slap in the face.
After a quick glance at Midge, Jaskier gives a rate similar to what the exterminators charged. "A little first time descount for friends," he says with a wink. But it's clear that he's being a passive aggressive little shit.
Once the check is safe in his hand (can't exactly pocket it in wet clothes), he offers a quick bow.
"A pleasure to make business with you." Not really, but oh well. He turns to Midge. "Talk to you later?" He steps out of the alley, only to suddenly freeze. "Oh, I almost forgot!"
He didn't. This is the idea - it's all calculated. How many steps he took out of the alley, how he keeps a perfectly innocent face as he comes back, how he ignores Joel as if he wasn't there at all.
"I owed you an answer. It's a yes - I shall be your plus one for the wedding." The grin could almost split his face in two. "Send me the details later, will you?"
After smoothly letting his hand brush Midge's, he finally leaves for real, waving over his shoulder without glancing at Joel even once. He enters the factory and disappears into a portal, so if anyone tries to follow him, he'll already be gone.
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Even through her happiness, it occurs to her that this was a performance for Joel’s benefit. It works. He’s flabbergasted that Jaskier is going with her to a family wedding.
Later that evening, Midge does indeed send Jaskier a text:
Did you mean it? You’ll come to Leah’s wedding with me?
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But he also remembers Midge's amazing smile and the very cute squeak, and thinks it's worth it to make her so happy. She deserves to have an emotional shield at that fucking wedding if her whole family is going to act like Joel did today. He remembers his childood during events like that, and he wants to save her from the same fate.
The way it makes his heart beat is dangerous. And like the dumbass he is, he ignores it.
Jaskier is about to fall asleep in the tub when he gets Midge's text. He smiles.
Of course. I wouldn't joke about something like that.
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Though she might be heartbroken.
But it’s going to be a good weekend. I’ll make sure of it.
Also… I have a job for you. Better than the last job for you.
It seems that Leah had lost her wedding singer and is looking for another one at the last minute.
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He was NOT a good boy in any other aspect, but details.
The job offer takes him by surprise. He gets so excited as he celebrates that water splashes all over the bathroom floor.
Are you serious? Count me the fuck in! Midge, I have no words to thank you. Fuck, I need to go shopping.
Ah - for a party that big, I shall take backup musicians. Will that work? Will they pay us all? Elves won't be an issue, will they?
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I didn’t give him much of a chance to say anything, mostly because I didn’t want to fight with him. For whatever reason, he can’t believe we’re having sex, or that you’re going to Leah’s wedding.
Well, now it seems like he’s actually excited to go. Midge wishes he’d been that excited when it was just him going as her date.
That should be fine. I told her you’re the biggest thing in New York’s club scene right now.
She didn’t say which club.
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I don't know what aspect of my persona he can't believe, therefore I don't know if being flattered or insulted. Alas.
It sounds like Joel is properly annoyed, at the very least, so Jaskier counts it as a win.
He laughs when he notices what she omitted in her reccomendation. Smart girl.
I love it when you're so witty. Thank you, darling. I owe you one. Would you send me your cousin's number? For business, I promise. I should introduce myself and discuss music preferences with her.
It finally hits him, then.
So your whole family knows about your plus one now?
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[Leah’s number]
Yes, I’ve told my parents, since I figured Joel would if I didn’t. They want to meet you, of course.
I won’t make you, if you’d rather wait until the wedding.
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Having to meet her parents should push him into panic. But now that he's agreed to go to the wedding and a be shield against her family, this is nothing. He's already too deep.
That pause between texts isn't very long.
Let's do it. Better do things the right way now so the wedding will go well. Dinner at your place?
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As I said, he doesn’t know you.
This complete turn around in Jaskier has Midge cautiously hopeful. It seems like he’s finally decided that her family doesn’t mean him any harm. That makes her happy. Happier than it probably should.
Sure. Maybe this Sunday?
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He stares at his device for a second and he sighs. This is really happening. How did they even get here? And why wouldn't he change a thing?
Works for me.
Tell me about them. I must be ready to charm their pants off.
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I also like the very ungentlemanly things you do to me in bed.
My father is a retired Columbia math professor. He’s very by the book and thinks that he’s always right, but he’s surprisingly forward-thinking. You could always bring up the piano.
Mama will be impressed with your manners, so have them on display. A little flattery will help too, but don’t overdo it.
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I'm not sure I want to discuss music with a "by the book" man, but I'll keep it in mind. Flattering your mother will be much easier.
They're going to hate me anyway.
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I hope that’s a promise, Jaskier.
Don’t go in defeatist. They’re not going to hate you. We’re not dating. And they wouldn’t be rude to one of my friends anyway.
(no subject)