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[doesntsing]

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[doesntsing]

I like a courtly gentleman.

I also like the very ungentlemanly things you do to me in bed.

My father is a retired Columbia math professor. He’s very by the book and thinks that he’s always right, but he’s surprisingly forward-thinking. You could always bring up the piano.

Mama will be impressed with your manners, so have them on display. A little flattery will help too, but don’t overdo it.

[treblemaking]

There lies the problem. Joel is no gentleman. And he isn't ungentlemanly enough to bend you over and fuck you so hard that you forget we're coming on your dress.

I'm not sure I want to discuss music with a "by the book" man, but I'll keep it in mind. Flattering your mother will be much easier.

They're going to hate me anyway.

[doesntsing]

She squeaks when she reads that, and is very glad that he can’t hear her.

I hope that’s a promise, Jaskier.

Don’t go in defeatist. They’re not going to hate you. We’re not dating. And they wouldn’t be rude to one of my friends anyway.

[treblemaking]

Of course. Has this bard ever let the princess down sexually?

Jaskier gets the feeling they WOULD be rude to her friends, but better not attack her parents again. Midge is lucky he hasn't met Imogen.

I'm not defeatist, I am talking from experience. Fancy, strict parents don't like wandering musicians that don't like making plans for the future.

[doesntsing]

Never.

Well, I’m 27 and divorced, not 16 and never been kissed. I had my wedding and they have their grandkids. They shouldn’t be pushing you for any kind of commitment, in my opinion. It’s not even going to come up. I’ll lay out the ground rules before you even get there.

[treblemaking]

I am not talking about commitment, darling. Even as just a friend - I am one of your grubby 'club friends'. Not company to be kept by a lady.

Do they even like Susie?

[doesntsing]

They tolerate Susie.

You mean a lot more to me than a ‘grubby club friend’. It will be fine, Jaskier. Nothing they say or do will change how I feel about you.

[treblemaking]

Of course they do.

Don't take me wrong, I don't believe you think like them or that they'll change your mimd about me. I just want you to have realistic expectations about how the evening may go. Possibly the wedding too.

Also it seems I'm going to have lunch with your cousin tomorrow. Tell me a Jewish restaurant I can take her to.

[doesntsing]

That’s fair enough.

A deli. [she sends an address.] Good luck with her.

Thank you again for helping at the factory today. I can’t wait to thank you in person.

[treblemaking]

Thanks. I'll need it.

Hey, I know I joked earlier, but the part about always helping people is true. And we got paid, so it's not like we did charity.

That said!

Mayhaps I do deserve that special thanks, considering I am still in the tub scrubbing the stench off. My beautiful skin is red and I don't have you to kiss it better. I demand compensation, missy.

[doesntsing]

I know, but you came right away, and you probably saved Joel a huge amount of money in the long run. One of those things could have killed someone.

I plan to use my mouth. I know how much you love my sassy mouth, Jaskier.

[treblemaking]

Indeed, and that's why we asked you to evacuate.

Your mouth is an absolute delight. So sassy, witty, and fierce. And so pretty when it's wrapped around my cock.

[doesntsing]

Your cock? Who said anything about your cock? I was planning to tell you some jokes with my sassy mouth.

[treblemaking]

Laughing pretty hard at that.

My mistake. Obviously, you have plenty of thoughts about your cousin's choice of future husband.

[doesntsing]

I have some. I’ve only met him once but he seems like a rich asshole. So he’s perfect for her.

[treblemaking]

There's a pause as he types, deletes, and re-types the same thing a few times. It still feels strange to discuss this with someone.

Oh wow, I thought I was having dinner with your parents, not lunch with mine.

[doesntsing]

You want me to come? I can deal with her in small doses.

[treblemaking]

I truly appreciate your offer, but I'd rather do this one-on-one. She'll put up her well-mannered family face in front of you, and I want to see how she treats the people she hires. I must protect the band.

I'll let you know how it goes.

The next day, in the middle of the afternoon, Jaskier already has an update.

Did you know your cousin has a secret kink for elves, or is that a dark family secret?

[doesntsing]

Dark family secret I suspect. Does she have a thing for pointy ears?

[treblemaking]

I didn't go that far with my questions, but gods, did she have a lot for me. She was very excited (if you know what I mean) about having an otherwordler and elves in her wedding. Called us 'exotic'. Her face was as red as an apple, and the way she kept squirming, I thought her skirt was getting wet. It was a little uncomfortable at times, but I'll take it over bigotry.

Anyway, she paid a deposit. So you're looking at the proud owner of a typewriter now.

[doesntsing]

I don’t think my aunt and uncle would be pleased to know that their daughter gets wet over elves, unless there happen to be Jewish elves.

Congratulations!

[treblemaking]

I'll double-check their dicks next time. But I need you to be on your best wit, my smart lady. Because she'll probably be boasting about getting an exotic band for her wedding - don't let her take the credit! You got the band for her!

Thanks. I've been looking at typing courses - they're only two months long. They also are full of women your age. Usually I'd find such a scenario very pleasant, but in the context of becoming a student again? Feels a bit weird.

[doesntsing]

Elves could convert. Probably won’t be circumcised.

Should I tell everyone at the wedding that I booked the hippest band?

They’re probably training to be secretaries. Not sure if there are any other class options.

[treblemaking]

I don't know what hippest is, but I trust you, so - yes! You saved your cousin's party! Make sure they know whom to thank! Don't let them take this from you!

Alas, there are not. What do you think? Would you feel weird if a middle-aged bloke joined your class?