doesntsing | open post

She missed her kids, but she went. Jaskier is proud of her, and it's a good sign for her career in the future. He decides not to comment on it, though, because she already has enough insecurities as a mother - that's a talk for another day.

"Oh," he replies with understanding when Midge comments on Rainbow Road. Yeah, Jaskier hides it in public, but queer spaces are supposed to be safe. Shy is so closeted that he doesn't even get that? Fuck. "Yeah, that's a fair difference to point out."

Jaskier is starting to get worried about this bloke. He's also fearing where this story is going.

That fear still doesn't prepare him for the final bomb.

"You WHAT?!" His voice reaches a very high pitch, horror and distress wrapped in a ball of disbelief. Jaskier sits up, face white and hands flying in every direction, his mind a hurricane of emotions that can only be summarized with an inner scream. "What the fuck, Miriam, you saw him beaten up! How--"

His eyes widen and his hands fall on his lap when he remembers that she's been making jokes about the guy she's been sleeping with - aka him. "...what have you said about me?" he asks with a small, vulnerable voice.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. This was the one thing that she was worried about telling him, but she knew that it would have to come out at some point. Midge hadn’t really planned on it being now, but… here they are.

She sits up in bed so that she can look Jaskier in the eyes. “I haven’t said anything about you regarding men,” Midge replies. “I haven’t even said your name on stage. Very few people even know about us and I would never joke about you like that. I would never intentionally hurt you.”

Midge sighs. “It’s not an excuse, but I was the only white performer on the program that night and I… I panicked. I just wanted the laughs, and I got them, but it shouldn’t have been at his expense. I didn’t mean to hurt him either. I apologized to him… at his wedding.”

A very hasty wedding to some poor, unsuspecting girl.

"But you didn't say anything about Shy and men either, did you? Only about his 'mannerisms'." Which Jaskier has lots of. "...wedding?" His eyes widen again when he realizes what it means. "Damage control. Fuck. Fffffuuuck."

He needs movement, he needs space to breathe. Jaskier leaves the bed to wander around the room, rubbing his face while trying not to let this get the best of him. If it wasn't so serious, it would be kinda funny because he's cursing in multiple languages while naked.

He's taken her to Rainbow Road. He's taken her to Rainbow Road. Fuckfuckfuck.

Jaskier finally stops moving to look at her with a very scared face. It's raw and vulnerable. "I take it nobody outside Shy's circle knows why you were fired?"

The wedding was clearly damage control, but nobody at Rainbow Road got mad at him for letting Midge perform. So maybe things are still safe, at the very least.

Midge leans her head against the wall. Fuck. He's so upset. She feels horrible as she watches him pace around the room.

"No. They told the paper some bullshit lie and there were some rumors, all designed to make me look bad, of course." Midge looks him in the eye. "Jaskier... you could count the amount of people who know that Shy is gay on one hand. He will never come out. He wouldn't be caught dead at a place like Rainbow Road. It would be career suicide for him."

Shy is going to live a lie publicly for the rest of his life, while running scared in her personal one, trying to find some happiness but not knowing who to trust. Trusting the wrong person could mean him losing everything.

Career suicide. The words make his stomach turn, and his entire body deflates.

"Yeah... yeah. I know."

He knows too well - he's seen enough queer suicides, and not of the metaphorical kind.

the witcher's whore

Breathing is becoming hard, so he sits on the bed and rubs his eyes, as if he could stop the tears. For once, he doesn't know what to say. It does sound like it was an accident, so it's not like Jaskier hates Midge now. But it's hard to handle.

"It sounds like you've learned a lesson... then why do you need the Wolford to be 'safe'?"

"Jaskier..."

She's surprised to see tears in his eyes. All of this over Shy? Or maybe it's just hitting too close to home? Moving next to him, Midge wraps her arms around him. He might throw her off, but she can't not try to comfort him.

"I'm sorry."

They can continue to talk about her problems once he's feeling better.

When he said he craves touch, he meant it. And he needs it the most when he feels emotional like this. Jaskier drags Midge to his lap and hugs her tightly, too tightly, clinging to her as if his life depended on it. He buries his face in her neck, and after a few seconds, he hums the saddest tune ever known to man.

Midge lets out a little squeak when he hugs her so tightly, but she has no plans to move even if he lets her go. She rests her cheek against his and strokes his hair.

"Darling..."

He hasn't ever been this sad around her. Maybe it was the fear of thinking that he might have to live his life like Shy, but he and Shy are so different. Jaskier's not afraid to be who he is, even if the consequences could be dire.

"I love you..."

"I love you, too," he replies without hesitation, because it's real and true. They aren't words he needs to think and choose, they're feelings that his heart embraces.

After a long pause, he finally speaks again. "Is Brandon safe too? In the Wolford?"

"What?" she asks, brow furrowed. "Yes, of course. The girls there know about him, but nobody bothers him." Places like The Wolford are safe in the sense that they aren't high profile. They're places for people to hide, which is what she's doing. "I never talk about him on stage."

Released from his grip, Midge sits back on her feet. "I've never seen you this upset before."

She feels lousy about it.

She moves, but he still needs the touch, so he drops his forehead on her shoulder at least. He sighs with a long exhale and resists the urge to just throw her back and fuck her. They're in a relationship; they're supposed to talk this shit out. This isn't the time to get drunk on an orgasm.

"I've seen so many of them die, Midge. So fucking many."

"Jaskier..." Midge puts her arms around him, her fingers tangling in his hair. "I'm sorry. Is that what you were thinking about?"

She probably can't reassure him that Shy won't die. She doesn't know that. Though does she know that he's pretty well protected. There's nothing Reggie won't do for him. Midge wouldn't be surprised if she found out that Reggie has killed for Shy.

"I wasn't thinking that I was putting him in danger. It was foolish of me."

Her hand on his head always feels divine, and it does wonders helping him calm down. He sighs again, actually believing her words, because he wants to believe that he's come to know her well. He just hopes it won't bite his ass in the future.

"I know." A pause. A deep breath. "Sorry you missed your chance. But I can't blame them for firing you, dear."

She’s still bitter about it, but she’s not going to argue with him. He isn’t entirely wrong.

“I didn’t know a lot about gay people before I met you,” Midge says softly. “It wasn’t discussed openly. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone like you, who likes both men and women. You’ve taught me a lot.”

That actually makes him chuckle, even if it's short and kinda dry. He also wonders how much she knows about Susie.

"You probably had, you just don't know it." He looks up and rests his forehead against hers. "You've been wonderful to me. And I'm proud of you for learning. It makes me really happy to have a woman willing to touch me like that instead of judging."

She’s fairly sure that Susie is a lesbian, and Midge has known that for a long time. It isn’t a problem. Susie has never done anything that could even be misinterpreted as making a move on her. Most people aren’t open about their sexuality, at least not amongst straight people. Jaskier has taught her a lot.

Midge rubs her nose affectionately against his. “Seeing you in pleasure makes me happy,” she says. That’s the long and short of it. He’s been patient with her as she works her way up to being able to please him how he wants in that manner.

“I’ve been hiding,” she continues, “at The Wolford. Licking my wounds. Trying to get my confidence back.”

"I see." He reaches up to cup her cheek, rubbing it affectionately while kissing her forehead. "I understand wanting to have a proper space to perform. You can say whatever you want, which is rare; it's a source of income; and most importantly, you get to perform every day. Fuck, I truly miss performing every day."

A pause as he returns the nose rubbing. It's so difficult to find places to perform here; it truly hurts.

"So stay at The Wolford. But also, never stop looking for other gigs. Don't let this ruin your confidence - you're an amazing comic who deserves a better stage."

Midge nods. “It’s a regular gig. It’s… safe. Even my parents might approve, if it wasn’t at a burlesque club.”

She rests her head against his shoulder. “I don’t want to be safe. I won’t get anywhere with that. But I’m scared.”

What if she fucks up again? What if her next fuck up ends her career for good?

He rubs her back and kisses the top of her head. They both have so much to do with their careers, and it's kind of sad yet amusing that they comfort each other about it when they're a mess themselves.

"You already did the most terrifying parts: you got on the stage. You got on the stage as a woman. You told your parents. You left your kids. You went to jail. You got fired. You showed your tits! What can be scarier than that?"

He’s not wrong. She’s been through a lot and has done so many things that she never thought she would.

“Losing it all. Never being able to do it again. Being blackballed. Irrational fears, maybe, but fears nonetheless.”

Midge seeks out his hand with hers, lacing their fingers together. “Susie might have something for me up in Boston of all places.”

"If there's something I can promise without hesitation is that you'll always be able to do it. It may not be a grand theatre with hundreds of people, but in big cities like this one, there always are spaces for those artists left behind."

They aren't irrational fears, he thinks. They're fears of the industry, he understands them. And respects them so much more than fears of the family.

"Boston?" he asks with a raised eyebrow. The name rings a bell, but he doesn't remember the details. "I take it that it's far away?"

“No, it’s only about two hours by train,” she says. “It would be an opening act gig for a comic who’s doing a series of shows there over two weeks.” Midge sighs. “I told Susie I didn’t want to be an opening act anymore.”

Maybe there’s no way around it. Maybe this is just what she has to do in order to push her career forward.

"Two hours doesn't sound too bad," he replies, but then she adds the rest, and welp. "...oh."

He pauses, wondering what to say that doesn't put her down but doesn't sound too hypocritical, either. Because he gets it. Accepting that he needs a band has been tough for him. Honestly, the guys have been great so far. but he's worried about what will happen if they get even a little bigger. He wants to be Jaskier the bard, not some band name. He wants to be Shy Balwin.

However, he also understands how you have to shut up and play the game sometimes.

"I get the sentiment - but is it feasible?"

She’s quiet for a moment before answering. “Yeah. It is. Joel and my parents can help take care of the kids and I may be able to sneak back for a day or two between shows.”

Her eyes meet his. “I’ll miss you… but you told me that I shouldn’t turn down shows because of you.”

Midge will try to keep her promise not to do that.

"What?" He laughs. "I meant - if it's feasible for you not to do opening acts," he clarifies before playfully poking her. "You don't have to explain the gig to me! I think it sounds great. The more you perform, the better. I love that you remember your promise, dear. And I could visit you in Boston, right?"

He offers a warm, comforting smile. He had been hesitant because it sounded like she was struggling with her decision not to do opening acts. But it seems like she's ready to go out again, and that gets absolute support from him.

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