doesntsing | open post

Career suicide. The words make his stomach turn, and his entire body deflates.

"Yeah... yeah. I know."

He knows too well - he's seen enough queer suicides, and not of the metaphorical kind.

the witcher's whore

Breathing is becoming hard, so he sits on the bed and rubs his eyes, as if he could stop the tears. For once, he doesn't know what to say. It does sound like it was an accident, so it's not like Jaskier hates Midge now. But it's hard to handle.

"It sounds like you've learned a lesson... then why do you need the Wolford to be 'safe'?"

"Jaskier..."

She's surprised to see tears in his eyes. All of this over Shy? Or maybe it's just hitting too close to home? Moving next to him, Midge wraps her arms around him. He might throw her off, but she can't not try to comfort him.

"I'm sorry."

They can continue to talk about her problems once he's feeling better.

When he said he craves touch, he meant it. And he needs it the most when he feels emotional like this. Jaskier drags Midge to his lap and hugs her tightly, too tightly, clinging to her as if his life depended on it. He buries his face in her neck, and after a few seconds, he hums the saddest tune ever known to man.

Midge lets out a little squeak when he hugs her so tightly, but she has no plans to move even if he lets her go. She rests her cheek against his and strokes his hair.

"Darling..."

He hasn't ever been this sad around her. Maybe it was the fear of thinking that he might have to live his life like Shy, but he and Shy are so different. Jaskier's not afraid to be who he is, even if the consequences could be dire.

"I love you..."

"I love you, too," he replies without hesitation, because it's real and true. They aren't words he needs to think and choose, they're feelings that his heart embraces.

After a long pause, he finally speaks again. "Is Brandon safe too? In the Wolford?"

"What?" she asks, brow furrowed. "Yes, of course. The girls there know about him, but nobody bothers him." Places like The Wolford are safe in the sense that they aren't high profile. They're places for people to hide, which is what she's doing. "I never talk about him on stage."

Released from his grip, Midge sits back on her feet. "I've never seen you this upset before."

She feels lousy about it.

She moves, but he still needs the touch, so he drops his forehead on her shoulder at least. He sighs with a long exhale and resists the urge to just throw her back and fuck her. They're in a relationship; they're supposed to talk this shit out. This isn't the time to get drunk on an orgasm.

"I've seen so many of them die, Midge. So fucking many."

"Jaskier..." Midge puts her arms around him, her fingers tangling in his hair. "I'm sorry. Is that what you were thinking about?"

She probably can't reassure him that Shy won't die. She doesn't know that. Though does she know that he's pretty well protected. There's nothing Reggie won't do for him. Midge wouldn't be surprised if she found out that Reggie has killed for Shy.

"I wasn't thinking that I was putting him in danger. It was foolish of me."

Her hand on his head always feels divine, and it does wonders helping him calm down. He sighs again, actually believing her words, because he wants to believe that he's come to know her well. He just hopes it won't bite his ass in the future.

"I know." A pause. A deep breath. "Sorry you missed your chance. But I can't blame them for firing you, dear."

She’s still bitter about it, but she’s not going to argue with him. He isn’t entirely wrong.

“I didn’t know a lot about gay people before I met you,” Midge says softly. “It wasn’t discussed openly. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone like you, who likes both men and women. You’ve taught me a lot.”

That actually makes him chuckle, even if it's short and kinda dry. He also wonders how much she knows about Susie.

"You probably had, you just don't know it." He looks up and rests his forehead against hers. "You've been wonderful to me. And I'm proud of you for learning. It makes me really happy to have a woman willing to touch me like that instead of judging."

She’s fairly sure that Susie is a lesbian, and Midge has known that for a long time. It isn’t a problem. Susie has never done anything that could even be misinterpreted as making a move on her. Most people aren’t open about their sexuality, at least not amongst straight people. Jaskier has taught her a lot.

Midge rubs her nose affectionately against his. “Seeing you in pleasure makes me happy,” she says. That’s the long and short of it. He’s been patient with her as she works her way up to being able to please him how he wants in that manner.

“I’ve been hiding,” she continues, “at The Wolford. Licking my wounds. Trying to get my confidence back.”

"I see." He reaches up to cup her cheek, rubbing it affectionately while kissing her forehead. "I understand wanting to have a proper space to perform. You can say whatever you want, which is rare; it's a source of income; and most importantly, you get to perform every day. Fuck, I truly miss performing every day."

A pause as he returns the nose rubbing. It's so difficult to find places to perform here; it truly hurts.

"So stay at The Wolford. But also, never stop looking for other gigs. Don't let this ruin your confidence - you're an amazing comic who deserves a better stage."

Midge nods. “It’s a regular gig. It’s… safe. Even my parents might approve, if it wasn’t at a burlesque club.”

She rests her head against his shoulder. “I don’t want to be safe. I won’t get anywhere with that. But I’m scared.”

What if she fucks up again? What if her next fuck up ends her career for good?

He rubs her back and kisses the top of her head. They both have so much to do with their careers, and it's kind of sad yet amusing that they comfort each other about it when they're a mess themselves.

"You already did the most terrifying parts: you got on the stage. You got on the stage as a woman. You told your parents. You left your kids. You went to jail. You got fired. You showed your tits! What can be scarier than that?"

He’s not wrong. She’s been through a lot and has done so many things that she never thought she would.

“Losing it all. Never being able to do it again. Being blackballed. Irrational fears, maybe, but fears nonetheless.”

Midge seeks out his hand with hers, lacing their fingers together. “Susie might have something for me up in Boston of all places.”

"If there's something I can promise without hesitation is that you'll always be able to do it. It may not be a grand theatre with hundreds of people, but in big cities like this one, there always are spaces for those artists left behind."

They aren't irrational fears, he thinks. They're fears of the industry, he understands them. And respects them so much more than fears of the family.

"Boston?" he asks with a raised eyebrow. The name rings a bell, but he doesn't remember the details. "I take it that it's far away?"

“No, it’s only about two hours by train,” she says. “It would be an opening act gig for a comic who’s doing a series of shows there over two weeks.” Midge sighs. “I told Susie I didn’t want to be an opening act anymore.”

Maybe there’s no way around it. Maybe this is just what she has to do in order to push her career forward.

"Two hours doesn't sound too bad," he replies, but then she adds the rest, and welp. "...oh."

He pauses, wondering what to say that doesn't put her down but doesn't sound too hypocritical, either. Because he gets it. Accepting that he needs a band has been tough for him. Honestly, the guys have been great so far. but he's worried about what will happen if they get even a little bigger. He wants to be Jaskier the bard, not some band name. He wants to be Shy Balwin.

However, he also understands how you have to shut up and play the game sometimes.

"I get the sentiment - but is it feasible?"

She’s quiet for a moment before answering. “Yeah. It is. Joel and my parents can help take care of the kids and I may be able to sneak back for a day or two between shows.”

Her eyes meet his. “I’ll miss you… but you told me that I shouldn’t turn down shows because of you.”

Midge will try to keep her promise not to do that.

"What?" He laughs. "I meant - if it's feasible for you not to do opening acts," he clarifies before playfully poking her. "You don't have to explain the gig to me! I think it sounds great. The more you perform, the better. I love that you remember your promise, dear. And I could visit you in Boston, right?"

He offers a warm, comforting smile. He had been hesitant because it sounded like she was struggling with her decision not to do opening acts. But it seems like she's ready to go out again, and that gets absolute support from him.

“Oh,” she replies. “Not being an opening act is preferred, but if I have to, it’s feasible. I’m feeling stagnant right now, but you also understand how rotten it is to feel like you’re back at square one.”

That’s been his entire experience here.

“You can visit,” Midge confirms. “Boston was one of the first cities in this country.”

"Yeah, it fucking sucks," he replies with a little sigh. "Which is why I wondered if you turning down gigs for being opening acts was a good idea. I get it, you know? You want the public to be there for you, for your art to be appreciated, instead of just a welcome mat. But... I want you to get out there, I want you to shine."

He ruffles her hair - not something he'd do normally, but it's already a mess from their fucking anyway. "Great! Then we shall explore Boston together. Maybe I can drop my card at a few places too."

“You should,” she replies, not minding the hand in her hair. They’re about to go to sleep anyway.

“I just hope it’s not too soon. I don’t want people to think that I’m difficult to work with or… whatever they thought after I was kicked off Shy’s tour.”

Maybe it will be better this time since she’s opening for another comedian instead of a singer.

"Too soon?" He shakes his head. "I'd say it's the complete opposite - it took you too long. By hiding, you almost proved them right. I understand how you felt, don't take me wrong. But they don't. So it's better if you go out there and show them you're still amazing and an absolute delight. Show them that they don't hold power over you, even if they secretly do." A pause before he adds. "Just be sure to be sober for it."

He winks, making it look like he's teasing her for her first performance. And partly, it's true, but he's also thinking about his own very drunk self after Geralt left him on that fucking mountain.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject