Midge groans at that mental image, only because she’s seen it a hundred times.
“I’ve heckled people from the stage and they’ve had no idea that I’m even talking about them.” She’s kind of hard to ignore, but it’s happened. “The only thing I don’t like about performing at The Wolford is that I know nobody’s there to see me. They’re just waiting for me to get off stage so that they can see some tits. Naked ones.”
That groan says it all. Jaskier continues to nod along and brings her close to cuddle her again when she expresses her frustration.
"Their little brains don't have the power to manage their ego and the world at the same time. So they stick to their egos." He tilts his head at her. "Why do you stick to The Wolford then?"
She’s quiet for a moment as the real answer comes to her and she debates if she ought to voice it. If there’s anyone whom she could say it to, anyone who would understand, it’s Jaskier.
“It’s safe.” Her voice is quiet. “Did I tell you about Shy Baldwin and how I got kicked off his tour?”
That silence is a bit worrisome, Jaskier thinks. Pausing to think isn't bad per se, but he didn't think his question was that kind. He wonders what he's poked, and it seems he's about to find out.
"You have not, no. Shy Baldwin..." Thinking for a second. "He's a singer, right?"
“Yes,” she confirms. “Before you and I met, I was touring with him as his opening act. We spent some time in Vegas and in Florida. It was… good. He and I got along really well and got to hang out a few times, which is how I found out something about him.”
Midge’s eyes meet Jaskier’s. “He’s… gay. But he’s not like how you are, open with your attraction to men. I found him once after another man had beaten him up.”
As an opening act, but still. Jaskier is jealous right now; he's itching to get back on the road. How come her career is still stuck then? Obviously, this isn't a happy story, and he wonders if he'll regret asking.
Her comment makes him sigh. "I'm not open, Midge. I told you because Brandon told you first." And she kinda cornered him with the question.
He runs his fingers through his hair, thinking about the one time he saw Shy on TV. Not even fame can save his people from this, goddammit. It's frustrating and depressing, and he just wants to scream. "I saw him on TV, so I'm guessing he's fine - well, as fine as he can be hiding it. He didn't get caught, I take it?"
“It was amazing.” Even as an opening act for someone. She got her name and face and jokes out there in front of a lot of people. “I did miss my kids a bit though.” It was hard, being away from them while she tried to build her dream.
“Oh,” she replies. “I meant… you perform at Rainbow Road… he would never do that.” Only a handful of people even knew Shy was gay. By comparison, Jaskier is practically screaming about it.
“No,” Midge continues. “He has a manager who is as protective of him as Susie is of me. Anyway, before he started his international tour, he did a show at the Apollo. It was kind of a homecoming show for him. There were a lot of people there who knew him.” She takes a deep breath. “I made some jokes that alluded to him being gay. Mannerisms, I guess. I shouldn’t have done it, and I regret it, even though the crowd absolutely loved it.”
Midge is quiet for a moment and she wonders if Jaskier thinks less of her now. “His manager did not like it. He thought I was going to potentially expose him, accidentally or not. I wouldn’t have done that, but he thought I was a liability to his image. They told Susie and I that we were off the tour and left us on the tarmac, in Newark of all places.”
She missed her kids, but she went. Jaskier is proud of her, and it's a good sign for her career in the future. He decides not to comment on it, though, because she already has enough insecurities as a mother - that's a talk for another day.
"Oh," he replies with understanding when Midge comments on Rainbow Road. Yeah, Jaskier hides it in public, but queer spaces are supposed to be safe. Shy is so closeted that he doesn't even get that? Fuck. "Yeah, that's a fair difference to point out."
Jaskier is starting to get worried about this bloke. He's also fearing where this story is going.
That fear still doesn't prepare him for the final bomb.
"You WHAT?!" His voice reaches a very high pitch, horror and distress wrapped in a ball of disbelief. Jaskier sits up, face white and hands flying in every direction, his mind a hurricane of emotions that can only be summarized with an inner scream. "What the fuck, Miriam, you saw him beaten up! How--"
His eyes widen and his hands fall on his lap when he remembers that she's been making jokes about the guy she's been sleeping with - aka him. "...what have you said about me?" he asks with a small, vulnerable voice.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. This was the one thing that she was worried about telling him, but she knew that it would have to come out at some point. Midge hadn’t really planned on it being now, but… here they are.
She sits up in bed so that she can look Jaskier in the eyes. “I haven’t said anything about you regarding men,” Midge replies. “I haven’t even said your name on stage. Very few people even know about us and I would never joke about you like that. I would never intentionally hurt you.”
Midge sighs. “It’s not an excuse, but I was the only white performer on the program that night and I… I panicked. I just wanted the laughs, and I got them, but it shouldn’t have been at his expense. I didn’t mean to hurt him either. I apologized to him… at his wedding.”
A very hasty wedding to some poor, unsuspecting girl.
"But you didn't say anything about Shy and men either, did you? Only about his 'mannerisms'." Which Jaskier has lots of. "...wedding?" His eyes widen again when he realizes what it means. "Damage control. Fuck. Fffffuuuck."
He needs movement, he needs space to breathe. Jaskier leaves the bed to wander around the room, rubbing his face while trying not to let this get the best of him. If it wasn't so serious, it would be kinda funny because he's cursing in multiple languages while naked.
He's taken her to Rainbow Road. He's taken her to Rainbow Road. Fuckfuckfuck.
Jaskier finally stops moving to look at her with a very scared face. It's raw and vulnerable. "I take it nobody outside Shy's circle knows why you were fired?"
The wedding was clearly damage control, but nobody at Rainbow Road got mad at him for letting Midge perform. So maybe things are still safe, at the very least.
Midge leans her head against the wall. Fuck. He's so upset. She feels horrible as she watches him pace around the room.
"No. They told the paper some bullshit lie and there were some rumors, all designed to make me look bad, of course." Midge looks him in the eye. "Jaskier... you could count the amount of people who know that Shy is gay on one hand. He will never come out. He wouldn't be caught dead at a place like Rainbow Road. It would be career suicide for him."
Shy is going to live a lie publicly for the rest of his life, while running scared in her personal one, trying to find some happiness but not knowing who to trust. Trusting the wrong person could mean him losing everything.
Career suicide. The words make his stomach turn, and his entire body deflates.
"Yeah... yeah. I know."
He knows too well - he's seen enough queer suicides, and not of the metaphorical kind.
the witcher's whore
Breathing is becoming hard, so he sits on the bed and rubs his eyes, as if he could stop the tears. For once, he doesn't know what to say. It does sound like it was an accident, so it's not like Jaskier hates Midge now. But it's hard to handle.
"It sounds like you've learned a lesson... then why do you need the Wolford to be 'safe'?"
She's surprised to see tears in his eyes. All of this over Shy? Or maybe it's just hitting too close to home? Moving next to him, Midge wraps her arms around him. He might throw her off, but she can't not try to comfort him.
"I'm sorry."
They can continue to talk about her problems once he's feeling better.
When he said he craves touch, he meant it. And he needs it the most when he feels emotional like this. Jaskier drags Midge to his lap and hugs her tightly, too tightly, clinging to her as if his life depended on it. He buries his face in her neck, and after a few seconds, he hums the saddest tune ever known to man.
Midge lets out a little squeak when he hugs her so tightly, but she has no plans to move even if he lets her go. She rests her cheek against his and strokes his hair.
"Darling..."
He hasn't ever been this sad around her. Maybe it was the fear of thinking that he might have to live his life like Shy, but he and Shy are so different. Jaskier's not afraid to be who he is, even if the consequences could be dire.
"I love you, too," he replies without hesitation, because it's real and true. They aren't words he needs to think and choose, they're feelings that his heart embraces.
After a long pause, he finally speaks again. "Is Brandon safe too? In the Wolford?"
"What?" she asks, brow furrowed. "Yes, of course. The girls there know about him, but nobody bothers him." Places like The Wolford are safe in the sense that they aren't high profile. They're places for people to hide, which is what she's doing. "I never talk about him on stage."
Released from his grip, Midge sits back on her feet. "I've never seen you this upset before."
She moves, but he still needs the touch, so he drops his forehead on her shoulder at least. He sighs with a long exhale and resists the urge to just throw her back and fuck her. They're in a relationship; they're supposed to talk this shit out. This isn't the time to get drunk on an orgasm.
"I've seen so many of them die, Midge. So fucking many."
"Jaskier..." Midge puts her arms around him, her fingers tangling in his hair. "I'm sorry. Is that what you were thinking about?"
She probably can't reassure him that Shy won't die. She doesn't know that. Though does she know that he's pretty well protected. There's nothing Reggie won't do for him. Midge wouldn't be surprised if she found out that Reggie has killed for Shy.
"I wasn't thinking that I was putting him in danger. It was foolish of me."
Her hand on his head always feels divine, and it does wonders helping him calm down. He sighs again, actually believing her words, because he wants to believe that he's come to know her well. He just hopes it won't bite his ass in the future.
"I know." A pause. A deep breath. "Sorry you missed your chance. But I can't blame them for firing you, dear."
She’s still bitter about it, but she’s not going to argue with him. He isn’t entirely wrong.
“I didn’t know a lot about gay people before I met you,” Midge says softly. “It wasn’t discussed openly. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone like you, who likes both men and women. You’ve taught me a lot.”
That actually makes him chuckle, even if it's short and kinda dry. He also wonders how much she knows about Susie.
"You probably had, you just don't know it." He looks up and rests his forehead against hers. "You've been wonderful to me. And I'm proud of you for learning. It makes me really happy to have a woman willing to touch me like that instead of judging."
She’s fairly sure that Susie is a lesbian, and Midge has known that for a long time. It isn’t a problem. Susie has never done anything that could even be misinterpreted as making a move on her. Most people aren’t open about their sexuality, at least not amongst straight people. Jaskier has taught her a lot.
Midge rubs her nose affectionately against his. “Seeing you in pleasure makes me happy,” she says. That’s the long and short of it. He’s been patient with her as she works her way up to being able to please him how he wants in that manner.
“I’ve been hiding,” she continues, “at The Wolford. Licking my wounds. Trying to get my confidence back.”
"I see." He reaches up to cup her cheek, rubbing it affectionately while kissing her forehead. "I understand wanting to have a proper space to perform. You can say whatever you want, which is rare; it's a source of income; and most importantly, you get to perform every day. Fuck, I truly miss performing every day."
A pause as he returns the nose rubbing. It's so difficult to find places to perform here; it truly hurts.
"So stay at The Wolford. But also, never stop looking for other gigs. Don't let this ruin your confidence - you're an amazing comic who deserves a better stage."
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“I’ve heckled people from the stage and they’ve had no idea that I’m even talking about them.” She’s kind of hard to ignore, but it’s happened. “The only thing I don’t like about performing at The Wolford is that I know nobody’s there to see me. They’re just waiting for me to get off stage so that they can see some tits. Naked ones.”
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"Their little brains don't have the power to manage their ego and the world at the same time. So they stick to their egos." He tilts his head at her. "Why do you stick to The Wolford then?"
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“It’s safe.” Her voice is quiet. “Did I tell you about Shy Baldwin and how I got kicked off his tour?”
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"You have not, no. Shy Baldwin..." Thinking for a second. "He's a singer, right?"
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Midge’s eyes meet Jaskier’s. “He’s… gay. But he’s not like how you are, open with your attraction to men. I found him once after another man had beaten him up.”
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As an opening act, but still. Jaskier is jealous right now; he's itching to get back on the road. How come her career is still stuck then? Obviously, this isn't a happy story, and he wonders if he'll regret asking.
Her comment makes him sigh. "I'm not open, Midge. I told you because Brandon told you first." And she kinda cornered him with the question.
He runs his fingers through his hair, thinking about the one time he saw Shy on TV. Not even fame can save his people from this, goddammit. It's frustrating and depressing, and he just wants to scream. "I saw him on TV, so I'm guessing he's fine - well, as fine as he can be hiding it. He didn't get caught, I take it?"
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“Oh,” she replies. “I meant… you perform at Rainbow Road… he would never do that.” Only a handful of people even knew Shy was gay. By comparison, Jaskier is practically screaming about it.
“No,” Midge continues. “He has a manager who is as protective of him as Susie is of me. Anyway, before he started his international tour, he did a show at the Apollo. It was kind of a homecoming show for him. There were a lot of people there who knew him.” She takes a deep breath. “I made some jokes that alluded to him being gay. Mannerisms, I guess. I shouldn’t have done it, and I regret it, even though the crowd absolutely loved it.”
Midge is quiet for a moment and she wonders if Jaskier thinks less of her now. “His manager did not like it. He thought I was going to potentially expose him, accidentally or not. I wouldn’t have done that, but he thought I was a liability to his image. They told Susie and I that we were off the tour and left us on the tarmac, in Newark of all places.”
A fate worse than death.
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"Oh," he replies with understanding when Midge comments on Rainbow Road. Yeah, Jaskier hides it in public, but queer spaces are supposed to be safe. Shy is so closeted that he doesn't even get that? Fuck. "Yeah, that's a fair difference to point out."
Jaskier is starting to get worried about this bloke. He's also fearing where this story is going.
That fear still doesn't prepare him for the final bomb.
"You WHAT?!" His voice reaches a very high pitch, horror and distress wrapped in a ball of disbelief. Jaskier sits up, face white and hands flying in every direction, his mind a hurricane of emotions that can only be summarized with an inner scream. "What the fuck, Miriam, you saw him beaten up! How--"
His eyes widen and his hands fall on his lap when he remembers that she's been making jokes about the guy she's been sleeping with - aka him. "...what have you said about me?" he asks with a small, vulnerable voice.
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She sits up in bed so that she can look Jaskier in the eyes. “I haven’t said anything about you regarding men,” Midge replies. “I haven’t even said your name on stage. Very few people even know about us and I would never joke about you like that. I would never intentionally hurt you.”
Midge sighs. “It’s not an excuse, but I was the only white performer on the program that night and I… I panicked. I just wanted the laughs, and I got them, but it shouldn’t have been at his expense. I didn’t mean to hurt him either. I apologized to him… at his wedding.”
A very hasty wedding to some poor, unsuspecting girl.
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He needs movement, he needs space to breathe. Jaskier leaves the bed to wander around the room, rubbing his face while trying not to let this get the best of him. If it wasn't so serious, it would be kinda funny because he's cursing in multiple languages while naked.
He's taken her to Rainbow Road. He's taken her to Rainbow Road. Fuckfuckfuck.
Jaskier finally stops moving to look at her with a very scared face. It's raw and vulnerable. "I take it nobody outside Shy's circle knows why you were fired?"
The wedding was clearly damage control, but nobody at Rainbow Road got mad at him for letting Midge perform. So maybe things are still safe, at the very least.
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"No. They told the paper some bullshit lie and there were some rumors, all designed to make me look bad, of course." Midge looks him in the eye. "Jaskier... you could count the amount of people who know that Shy is gay on one hand. He will never come out. He wouldn't be caught dead at a place like Rainbow Road. It would be career suicide for him."
Shy is going to live a lie publicly for the rest of his life, while running scared in her personal one, trying to find some happiness but not knowing who to trust. Trusting the wrong person could mean him losing everything.
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"Yeah... yeah. I know."
He knows too well - he's seen enough queer suicides, and not of the metaphorical kind.
the witcher's whore
Breathing is becoming hard, so he sits on the bed and rubs his eyes, as if he could stop the tears. For once, he doesn't know what to say. It does sound like it was an accident, so it's not like Jaskier hates Midge now. But it's hard to handle.
"It sounds like you've learned a lesson... then why do you need the Wolford to be 'safe'?"
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She's surprised to see tears in his eyes. All of this over Shy? Or maybe it's just hitting too close to home? Moving next to him, Midge wraps her arms around him. He might throw her off, but she can't not try to comfort him.
"I'm sorry."
They can continue to talk about her problems once he's feeling better.
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"Darling..."
He hasn't ever been this sad around her. Maybe it was the fear of thinking that he might have to live his life like Shy, but he and Shy are so different. Jaskier's not afraid to be who he is, even if the consequences could be dire.
"I love you..."
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After a long pause, he finally speaks again. "Is Brandon safe too? In the Wolford?"
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Released from his grip, Midge sits back on her feet. "I've never seen you this upset before."
She feels lousy about it.
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"I've seen so many of them die, Midge. So fucking many."
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She probably can't reassure him that Shy won't die. She doesn't know that. Though does she know that he's pretty well protected. There's nothing Reggie won't do for him. Midge wouldn't be surprised if she found out that Reggie has killed for Shy.
"I wasn't thinking that I was putting him in danger. It was foolish of me."
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"I know." A pause. A deep breath. "Sorry you missed your chance. But I can't blame them for firing you, dear."
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“I didn’t know a lot about gay people before I met you,” Midge says softly. “It wasn’t discussed openly. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone like you, who likes both men and women. You’ve taught me a lot.”
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"You probably had, you just don't know it." He looks up and rests his forehead against hers. "You've been wonderful to me. And I'm proud of you for learning. It makes me really happy to have a woman willing to touch me like that instead of judging."
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Midge rubs her nose affectionately against his. “Seeing you in pleasure makes me happy,” she says. That’s the long and short of it. He’s been patient with her as she works her way up to being able to please him how he wants in that manner.
“I’ve been hiding,” she continues, “at The Wolford. Licking my wounds. Trying to get my confidence back.”
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A pause as he returns the nose rubbing. It's so difficult to find places to perform here; it truly hurts.
"So stay at The Wolford. But also, never stop looking for other gigs. Don't let this ruin your confidence - you're an amazing comic who deserves a better stage."
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She rests her head against his shoulder. “I don’t want to be safe. I won’t get anywhere with that. But I’m scared.”
What if she fucks up again? What if her next fuck up ends her career for good?
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